Ryan ~ Hi my little love bug!! I have to admit mommy had her hopes up so high yesterday that I would “hear” from you and the one thing I dislike is the fact that I TRIED to be optimistic when I am such a pessimistic person by nature. It makes me feel so sick inside because I was so optimistic that I WOULD hear from you – I would constantly get tears in my eyes daily just thinking about it. I know that it wasn’t your fault by any means – there were so many people there and maybe you were just too busy holding mommys hand to say much to get her attention. I know that you are with me, I just wish so badly that I could feel it more. You will always and forever be in my heart my little angel, don’t you ever worry about that. She had so much to say in her “speech” in the beginning of the experience and it all made sense but even though she said that Spirit (you) may come thru and remind of times not when I wanted it was trying to bring people back to happier times as that is when those on the other side want us to remember – the happier times and not to be sad – I don’t feel like I can do that without huge guilt. Celebrating your big sisters birthdays this past week made me sad because you weren’t there with us physically celebrating. Ashleigh got a tattoo in memory of you and I kept singing the song over and over and all it does is make the tears well up in my eyes. I remember the time that Rhylea started singing it to you in the hospital as she sat by your side in the bed – my heart broke as she didn’t realize that my sunshine was going to be taken away and there was nothing that anyone was able to do about it. Rhylea loves you so very much and talks about you as you know, not many siblings call their little brother/sister their best friend. Do you remember the “Beach Party” mommy had to set up for you at CHP – I was not happy that you had never been swimming and this was well before you took a turn and we knew the end was in sight – this was before you had your open heart. Well I can still see how stinkin cute you looked in your little swim trunks, hat and sunglasses – ok so the hat and sunglasses weren’t needed cause it was inside but we had to give you the “full effect” (sorry about no sand but that was too dangerous (and messy) for the CICU – if sand got into one of your lines we would have been in trouble. Maybe mommy knew deep down that things weren’t going to end well and we basically started your bucket list before we even knew – I think everyone should have a bucket list and work on it all the time because you just never know and hopefully parents will never have to find out the pain and heart ache of losing a child so precious. Oh my little love how much mommy misses you and you know that mommy loves you to the moon and back and way more than elephant poop!
Posted on: Mon, 07 Apr 2014 01:15:48 +0000
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