SAY IT AINT SO!!!! To: Humor List Message-ID: Content-Type: text/plain; charset=Windows-1252 Velveeta Shortage Just A Small Part Of Governments War On Cheese By now, most of you have learned that America is facing a Velveeta shortage the likes of which weve never seen. Stores are reporting empty shelves where bricks of the luscious cheeselike substance were once stacked. And in homes across the country, mac is going un-cheesed, chili is being served sin (without) queso and hardworking Americans are being forced to dip their chips into bowls of mud or gravel. Officials from Kraft have been unable ? or perhaps unwilling ? to explain how the nations strategic processed cheese product reserves have dwindled. But I think we all know the answer: Obamacare. Lets look at the evidence. Obamacare officially went into effect Jan. 1. Before Jan. 1, nobody was talking about a Velveeta shortage. But after Jan. 1, THATS when the Velveeta fountains ran dry. This isnt speculation, folks, these are just facts. I went to a searchable version of the Affordable Care Act and found no mentions of Velveeta or cheese or ban on dips. Of course, there are also no references to socialized medicine, so the absence of specific cheese-related language raises plenty of red flags. And theres no way this stops with Velveeta. Soon the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be rationing Stilton and brie and, before you know it, our pizzas will be nothing but dough and sauce. Since Barack Obama was first elected in 2008, Ive been predicting that the government would eventually try to take away our cheese. Thats why the second-story addition on my house is made entirely of Kraft singles and my basement is lined with a 10-inch layer of Gouda. (I also carry a concealed can of Cheez Whiz at all times.) But I worry about those who arent prepared. I dont want to see my fellow Americans fall victim to unclogged arteries or the notoriously violent Velveeta black market. So it seems legal action is necessary. Im sure some will say a lawsuit over cheese is just a frivolous attempt to cast Obamacare in a negative light, to which I say, Yes. Yes, it is. Whats it to you? Its not unlike a federal lawsuit filed last week by Sen. Ron Johnson of Wisconsin against the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, claiming the government should not help pay for the health care costs of members of Congress and their staffs. You see, under the Affordable Care Act, lawmakers and their staffs have to go on the Obamacare health exchanges. The Office of Personnel Management, which oversees federal worker benefits, ruled that these government employees would continue to receive a subsidy to offset their health care costs. Johnson believes thats unfair because regular Americans who go on the exchanges dont get that same subsidy. I applaud his staunch opposition to this cheese-stealing law. Granted, every person who has employee-provided health insurance receives a subsidy, in that the employer pays a part of their health care costs. And what the federal workers in question are getting now is the same thing they got before Obamacare existed. And, yes, its true that Wisconsin Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, Johnsons Republican colleague, called the lawsuit an unfortunate political stunt and said in a statement: (T)he employer contribution hes attacking is nothing more than a standard benefit that most private and all federal employees receive ? including the President. But just because a few silly facts contradict the point of a lawsuit, that doesnt mean you dont file the lawsuit anyway. Thats Governing 101. So Im calling on Sen. Johnson to amend his lawsuit so it also addresses the 50,000-pound block of processed cheese in the room. (Or in this case, absent from the room because it was confiscated by the government.) Along with this health care subsidy business, the suit should go after the Obamacare laws transparent attempts to rid the nation of cheese and cheeselike products. The American people demand answers: - Is it true that doctors have been ordered to declare every American lactose intolerant? - Are all Velveeta production facilities being converted into reprogramming camps that will turn our children into soy-loving hippies? - Are congressional employees receiving special cheese subsidies (SubsiCheese?) unavailable to regular Americans? I reached out to Sen. Johnson via Twitter: I think OBAMACARE is responsible 4 the Velveeta shortage. Do you want 2 add that 2 ur lawsuit?? Please let me know. I received no response, but I imagine that, being from Wisconsin, he is busy on the front lines of the War on Cheese. We can only hope the senator does something soon. Before we face a dipless Super Bowl, and fading memories of a nation once built on cheese.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 00:16:11 +0000
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