SETTING REALISTIC DATING AND MARITAL EXPECTATIONS AND GOALS DISCLAIMER: The following article IS AN ADVICE NOT A COMMAND. IT IS SHIMMY C. KOTU SHARING HIS OBSERVATIONS AS A MAN FOR 51 YEARS, A HUSBAND FOR 27 YEARS, A BEHAVIOURAL SCIENCES GRADUATE, SCHOLAR AND RESEARCHER FOR 21 YEARS, A MARRIAGE/FAMILY COUNSELLOR FOR 22 YEARS, A FATHER OF A DAUGHTER FOR 16 YEARS AND TO 2 SONS FOR 26 AND 22 YEARS Regarding this advice, I will speak like Paul the Apostle in 1 Corinthians 7:25, I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy... NOW IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ANY OF THE PRINCIPLES I SHARE, PLEASE IGNORE THEM BUT NOT WITHOUT CONSIDERING FIRST THE ENDLESS HOURS I HAVE SPENT RESEARCHING, COUNSELLING AND SOLVING RELATIONAL, MARITAL AND FAMILY PROBLEMS. HERE GOES OUR DISCUSSION: A “Reality check” is not a new concept at all as Scripture has always admonished us to have a realistic estimation of our own worth. Look at Romans 12: 3 - 5: “3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” The danger with not heeding this warning lies in us operating on levels not reflective of our true worth, potential and affordability. Affordability is not just financial but includes: 1. Emotional affordability – There are relations and people we are not emotionally “fit” to date and handle. There is also the issue of our own emotional condition, its preparedness, willingness and ability to carry a relationship of any kind 2. Spiritual Affordability – There are levels of spirituality that certain individuals we love operate on that are completely out of our league and range and if we dated them, we would be completely frustrated by lack of spiritual connection with those individuals 3. Intellectual Affordability – Intellectualism creates its own world within which it establishes its own terms of reference for partnerships, friendships and associations. Anyone outside that world will definitely find themselves constantly misunderstood, misinterpreted and unappreciated. It is therefore imperative that since there are various levels of INTELLECTUAL SOCIALISATION, we date and seek to connect with those within our intellectual circles, sphere and domain, except in those exceptional circumstances where love prevails or The Lord leads Please do not treat this lightly as reality does demand that we accept that a Professor and her Grade 3 lover living happily thereafter is more of an exception than a rule • Social Affordability – There are social dynamics that dictate who we date or seek to have relations with should not be a burden but a joy and blessing. Reality therefore demands that we correctly estimate and analyse our ability to date within certain social circles because we need to ensure that the type and kind of girlfriend / guy we wish to date would be willing to date the kind of guy / girl we are • Physiological Affordability – The following physical limitations, restraints and challenges are to be considered carefully as they all have a bearing on who we fantasize over and what we realistically end up with. Much as these are not completely dictatorial, they are nonetheless considerations that cannot be simplistically dismissed: - Age - Looks - Height, Size or weight - Disabilities or handicaps - Race, ethnic or national origin With the above in consideration, I suggest that you prayerfully embark on the following before you make your move on a prospective guy or lady A. Correctly profile yourself This exercise becomes easier with the help of friends and counsellors as you need to know your abilities and limitations in terms of the “Affordability” dynamics I listed above and come up with a real picture of who you are: - Spiritually - Socially - Financially - Materially - Physically - Intellectually - Emotionally B. Realistically profile your prospective partner You then need to ask, “What type or kind of girl/guy would be fascinated, attracted and interested in a guy/girl such as I? This is vintage wisdom as it leads you to hunt within your species and you do not become a stalker in an attempt to find the right one. All stalkers have a common error of judgement – hunting outside their league. I know there are major exceptions to these rules and I appreciate that. As long as you realise that the taxi driver who dated a Premier were an exception to the rule not a generalisation to be globally embraced as the norm C. Realistically assess, analyze and estimate your prospects (chances) with a particular person The above two REALITY CHECKS will lead to a sober strategy of who and how to go about luring your prospective guy/girl. Let us be realistic about the fact that just because we both sing in the choir and speak in tongues doesn’t mean we are suited to each other and have the same extra-church interests, tastes, goals and aspirations D. Realistically plan your life together The reality check doesn’t end when you have successfully hooked up with your dream lover but goes beyond to creating realistic: I. Dating goals. Imitating what other people do and sticking to their goals may leave you constantly unhappy and tired. Just because your friends could afford to ONLY date for three months (not advisable at all by the way!) before they were engaged, doesn’t mean you can or should. Set your own goals and stop comparing your standards against your friends’ , neighbours’ or relatives’ Il. Dating activities. Siphiwe and Zodwa go to the places they go and do the things they do because they afford and enjoy them. Maybe he is on a R1 000 000 per month salary package and lives in a R3.4m house because he is a company executive and she runs her own thriving consultancy. They can then afford to dine at Monte Casino and invite six other friends with whenever they do. Now, you are a factory worker and your girl a typist. While there is nothing wrong with that, it becomes a problem when you try to imitate Siphiwe’s dating activities and start blowing your month’s salary on one date. Does that make you cool? No, it makes you dumb! And if you do marry, realistically plan what: i. Type of Engagement Celebration or Party. The same principles apply here. Live within your means and do those things you enjoy doing and can afford to, without comparing yourself with anyone. Maybe you can only afford to take your girlfriend to a small restaurant and quietly ask for her hand in marriage (sounds Nigerian, hey?). If that’s what you can afford, settle for that and stop calling the entire village to your announcement because Steve did that. Maybe at the stage you engage, you cannot even afford a ring; so what? Give her what you can! If it nothing at this stage except your heart? So be it! ii. Type of Wedding. Who says a wedding has to mobilise the whole province to be blessed? Knowing your limitations through correct profiling can save you endless pain and preserve your marriage forever. 27 years ago when I married my young wife, I could only afford an R85 ring which I still have by the way! Has this devalued my marriage and love for her? No, sir! One thing it did was allow me to live within my means until such time my means were improved and I could adjust my lifestyle accordingly iii. Type of First Home. My first home was my In-Laws’ bedroom (they used it as a store room until I moved in). Now, I am Black, Sowetan and South African and social values where we lived and in the era we lived, were more conservative than they are now and what I did was extremely taboo. A Black- Sowetan- South African- 24 year old wise guy I was, living in his In-Laws’ store room? Does it get worse than that? Yet I was happy because I lived within my means. Today I have houses and more store rooms to accommodate all my In-Laws (and are they so many that some aunties I do not even know!). It didn’t come easy, but it ultimately did. What I love about how it came is that I cannot boast to my wife about “my things” as we both had nothing when we met. This is the reason a lot of single Christian Ladies who desire to marry are going to be single for a very long time AS THEY ALL WANT A MAN WHO HAS LOTS OF MONEY, CARS AND TOWN-HOUSES. Well, you may get him but he may never forget that they are his and you came empty-handed Please think about what I suggest above Todays Meditation Luke 14 (LORD JESUS CHRIST SAID) “28 Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? 29 For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, 30 saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ 31 Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. Romans 12 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Proverbs 13 7 One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. PEACE
Posted on: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 22:07:39 +0000
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