SGI Member s Testmonial - Leaving the Past where it belongs by Susan Masters When I got married, I believed it was forever, until death do us part. After 14 years, I realized I could not “fix” my husband or save the marriage by myself. I spent so much energy keeping up the pretense of a happy home that I became drained and depressed. In 1998, we divorced, and I experienced the sense of loss and failure I suppose most people go through. In less than a year—from summer 1999 to spring 2000—things went from bad to worse. My eldest brother committed suicide; a serious relationship I was in ended; my children and I lost our home to foreclosure; the company I worked for went bankrupt; and I had to change not only my job but my career. The next two years can only be described as hell. I blamed others for my unhappiness, and I hated myself for making bad choices—marrying a troubled man whom I thought I could save; then rushing to get out of the marriage without protecting myself financially. I lost hope that I would ever be happy again. The only thing that got me out of bed every morning was knowing I had two daughters to raise. I started working part-time for a wonderful physical therapist who gave me a fresh perspective on my physical therapy practice. Then his secretary gave me a fresh perspective on life when she introduced me to Nichiren Buddhism. My gratitude to them is immeasurable. I started chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and attending SGI-USA meetings four years ago. I enjoyed hearing other people’s experiences but these people, I figured, hadn’t ruined their lives as I had. They could change their lives because they deserved to be happy, I didn’t. It’s hard to believe you’re a Buddha when you’re dwelling in self-hatred. Intellectually, I understood that I could change my life, but I didn’t believe it. I saw actual proof when I started chanting, but I still didn’t believe I was capable of indestructible happiness. It took me a year and a half to receive the Gohonzon, but I finally saw that embracing Nichiren Buddhism was working for me. My first glimmer of hope came when I realized that I was not only dealing with financial issues, personal issues and work-related issues, but that I was changing my relationship with myself. A turning point came when Cristina, my eldest daughter, was heading off to college in 2003.My ex-husband called one afternoon. “I got fired from my job two weeks ago,” he said. That meant no child support and no health insurance for the girls. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to keep Cristina in school. I called a friend in faith and poured my heart out. He encouraged me to take control of the situation and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to turn it into a benefit. “That phone call from your ex may be the best thing that could have happened to you,” he said. “Someday soon, you’re going to look back and see that it was a turning point in taking responsibility for your life.” Another leader urged me: “Don’t chant just to survive; chant for more than you think you can; chant for the impossible. You can have a victory greater than anything you can imagine.” I was also inspired to chant to realize my full potential. So that’s what I did. Six weeks later, I got a promotion at work that more than made up for the missing child support payments. But the greatest benefit was my self-confidence, which continues to grow. That’s been the story all along—building the confidence to make decisions, take action and not wait for someone else to take care of things. Today, I realize that, because of everything that’s happened, I am strong. Because I am strong, I can be happy, no matter what the problem may be. When my youngest daughter, Katie, was accepted to college, her father asked her how we were going to afford it. “Ever since Mom became a Buddhist,” she answered,“she can do whatever she puts her mind to do.” The past four years has been the result of a lot of encouragement from others and a lot of chanting, crying, self-reflection and action taken for myself and others. I grew to understand that each challenge is an opportunity to grow and also to deal with my negativity. Each victory, no matter how small, showed me the value of my life and renewed the hope I had lost long before. I stopped blaming others for my unhappiness. I took control of my life-condition. The last year of my marriage was spent in a house about 25 miles from where we live now. After the children and I moved, I hated driving by our old house, which brought back my pain and sense of failure. I got sick to my stomach at the sight of it. Earlier this year, Katie brought her college roommate home. Katie wanted to show her friend around our former town. Reluctantly, I agreed. As we drove down our old street, Katie pointed out different landmarks to her friend. I got so wrapped up in what she was saying, I nearly drove past the old house. I didn’t recognize it. The house hadn’t changed, but I had. I realized in that moment that such deep changes had occurred in me that this chapter of my life no longer had power over me. If I hadn’t driven past the old house, I might never have realized how much I have changed, how much my heart has healed. I have learned what is true for every person who practices Nichiren Buddhism: I am accumulating fortune each time I chant, each time I show compassion for others, each time I encourage another to never give up. As SGI President Ikeda writes: “Conspicuous benefit is the obvious, visible benefit of being protected or being quickly able to surmount a problem when it arises…. Inconspicuous benefit is good fortune accumulated slowly but steadily, like the growth of a tree or the rising of the tide, which results in the forging of a rich and expansive state of life. We might not discern any change from day to day, but as the years pass, it will be clear that we’ve become happy, that we’ve grown as individuals”(Discussions on Youth, vol. 2, pp. 194–95). My promise four years ago to practice Nichiren Buddhism led me down a path in which, every day, I grew stronger and more hopeful until finally it led me to what I had thought was impossible: happiness in this lifetime.
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 08:34:33 +0000
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