SHIVVIGGLE SCALE Beaufort scale for assessing wind speed. Richter scale for earthquakes. Shivviggle scale (S1) explained. Each grade is a blend of conditions, state of individual shivictims and giggle factors. S1 Absence of shivers. Warm, friendly weather and water. Absolutely no reason for uneasy frisson. Smiles and general good humour. S2 The slightest of tremors; they present no dilemmas, except maybe how to conceal them. Undetectable trembling; no need for dissembling, and not really much need to heal them. Subtle quivering of waterside alders. The odd titter; nothing much yet. S3 Desperate fossicking down in our bags; careful packing replaced by these rags. Running the risk of being thought a bore; dont let that heat abandon your core. Everythings damp, for Goodness Sake; And to make matters worse, Im starting to shake. As are the trees as they bend at the knees. And the lake is presenting ominous ripples. At this point some mild swearing and stifled snorts. S4 Unskilful handling of buttons and zippers; clumsy manoeuvres by quite a few dippers. Those you may think would prove to be stars seem to have trouble in fitting their bras. But we guys are hardly entitled to rant, with our habit of sticking both legs down one pant. The mildest of stirring in more exposed bushes, faintest disturbance and rustling of rushes. S5 To drink coffee: you master involuntary shudders and avoid, if you can, those uncontrolled judders. Hot chocolate is warming and welcome, I guess, but when it jumps sky high it makes a fine mess. Cuddle your cups as winters grip tightens, and the hostile fog and fearful frost frightens. Drinks in shaky hands always good for a giggle, or even a guffaw. S6 Cakes are now cut with the bluntest of knives; if they were sharp wed be in fear of our lives. With everyone now in a dithering shiver, A slice for you? Oh all right, maybe a sliver. Cant manage a sliver, it must be a wedge. Ta, very much, it goes over the hedge. Some kinds of cake are hard to control, perhaps not Battenberg, certainly Swiss roll. No wonder were cold; theres frost underfoot. A sting in the air makes breath into smoke. The air is bracing; the cakes are delectable. To passers-by we must make a fine spectacle. S7 Somebodys birthday, champagne not on ice? Its already too cold so heres some advice. Dont open it, pour in glass, and spill it on the ground; then the individual drinker spreads it all around. Race drivers at their victory photocall pour champers on each other as their usual protocol. As we conclude this ritual the giggles are almost continuous. S8 Thick ice and a white blanket of snow, a dull sheen of thin ice with no snow cover. Pewter sky showing more of the same. Tools appear and an untidy jagged hole hacked in the ice. Afterwards do we walk barefoot in the snow to the bags holding our meagre comforts? Of the frozen appendages maybe feet are among the least useful; we just stand on them. Hands frozen into claws dont help in the rituals of dressing, cake cutting, coffee and wine pouring. Other bits return slowly to life but may not be needed for hours, or even days. This is the top shiver grade. If we shiver and giggle all is well; the shiver adds to the fun. But a shivictim who is not talking, joking, laughing, shouldnt be there, needs to go home and rethink, clothing, warm up tactics, time in the water, draw up tables of time, effort and how to recover safely and enjoyable. We all swim at our own risk but if we see somebody who is unhappy and not coping, then help should be at hand, practical offers, or just talk. Otherwise, what is social swimming all about?
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 10:14:45 +0000
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