SILENCE- This writing is a tribute to my dear sister Sadaf who has now laid to rest her second beautiful child. We met through this forum of Facebook some time ago after the passing of my 3.5 yr old son Koa. The banding together of mothers who have lost children was a saving grace for me and although in our deep individual, sometimes silent, sometimes rage filled, times of despair we did not speak, we all knew the others were out there somewhere on the face of this mother earth dancing a similar dance of tremendous anguish. Sometimes just a thought of the other mothers who had lost children made me feel human again. It took away the personal elements of death and allowed my perspective to open to the fact that my child wasnt the only to die, my family wasnt the only family being shattered apart at the core, my heart wasnt the only heart to explode into 10000 unrecognizable pieces. I had sisters, women, mamas , across the globe, who were facing this unwanted rites of passage as well. It helped me realize death wasnt personal. It was “death”, our very birthright. It helped me to see that the one thing we all had in common….that everyone dies, young, old, sick, healthy, sudden, slow, goodbyes or no no goodbyes , killed by accident, sickness, disease or murder, death found those it was supposed to take and walked across the sky ,out into the great mystery, indefinitely, with the loves of our lives. There was no choice on our behalf, no way to reason with death, no fixing it, no saying sorry and it would return our children, no second chance…death came, took our children and disappeared . All that was left was a big vast empty space to fall into allowing time to feel the immensity of emptiness that was once our most precious child ! I can not answer the question of wether or not it hurts worse to have a loved one go suddenly, or slowly, or die from disease, or at the hand of an others negligence. Does the loss of ones child have more pain than someone who losses their beloved parent, brother or sister they grew up with or grandparent who loved them wholly and unconditionally their whole lives? I know in my experience I had many people tell me the death of my child was the “ worse thing that could happen to someone” or “the hardest of all death to suffer.” I remember saying at my sons funeral that his death was not the worse thing that can happen to someone ,but that ”not being loved was the worst thing that could happen” to a person. Grief is by far the most radical, devastating, confusing, harsh and mysteriously beautiful unwanted feeling I have ever had to endure. I would assume, yes ,it is the worst pain one could feel , but then again I have never had to live life without the love I needed and do not claim to know what that pain would be like. I imagine it to be the worst kind of suffering a human can endure. People, very well meaning people ,may say “your loved one is still with you” trying to bring you comfort but, when your going to bed the first night , the first month, the first year without your child to wake you up begging for tickles, food and love, that good intended statement feels more like something that makes you vomit and scream profanity. People will say all sorts of things to try and encourage the one who has lost. Most of the things others say at such sensitive times requires patience and understanding on the part of the one in grief . The truth is its so hard for us as humans to face death and its immense permanence. Its easy to get lost in the emotion, the fear, the moments of asking “what if that happened to me?” What do you say to the person sitting before you that is living out your worst nightmare ? After seeing Sadaf post on Facebook that her second beautiful daughter had passed away I wrote her a note to let her know i was with her..the note said: “Sadaf..mother of many tears..mother of two angels and one earth child..my heart is aching for you as you traverse this enormous undertaking of life path. You, in my eyes, are one of Allah’s warrioress...a channel for the highest of purposes....as your heart breaks my friend know that the prayers are coming to catch your falling....tears are cried with you for all you must carry in this life...I am standing strong for you..feeling grief with you..from that deep place only those of us who have lost our precious children know of...blessings..true blessings, Victoria” She then reached out to me and asked if i would write something for her. Something that would encourage. I have sat for hour upon hour now thinking what I would say to this strong, courageous, broken, woman who has now been asked to bury not one, but two amazing daughters. It doesnt matter that she knew they had a disease and short life spans. She made them in her body, gave birth to them, loved them, fed them, tended to them intensely every day of their lives and now they are gone. You would think that having lost a child I might know something more to say than the simple words I was able to write in my note.” I‘m sorry for your loss” or “ my heart breaks for you”.!!! The truth is the most I can say is nothing at all. The truth is that her pain , my pain, all of the mother’s pain that I have witnessed totally silences me. It doesnt provoke words or insight. It doesnt allow me to say “I know what your feeling”. It doesnt call on the higher part of me to say “ this is God’s way, youll never get more than you can handle” . It doesnt allow me to believe I should say anything at all. This pain of loosing a child makes me want to STOP the words, get down on my knees and bow. With my forehead against the cold, hard, pulsing earth, tears running down my cheeks making mud, heart wrenching and no desire to look up until I am done with my prayer. A prayer to the forces of life deep in the human soul that would want to go on with life after such loss. A prayer to the energy that makes breath move in and out of the body that somehow someway that breath can move itself until the “choice” to breathe returns. A prayer to all allies and the great mystery that makes water flow and mountains move ,that it will come and assist the reconstruction of the shattered heart. A deep prayer to the unseen, the unknown, the not yet discovered helpers in between the realms that true acceptance will come when grief is done with its excavation and obliteration of the life that is now forever changed. So what do I say in this writing to my beautiful friend..to all the mothers, fathers, sisters, aunties, brothers, husbands, wives I know who are traversing this ancient, sacred , colossal mountain of grief? Just before my son died I had read a book by Steven Levine called“Waking the Tiger” . It was no mistake that this book came to me when it did. Just a few weeks later I would be holding my dying child in my arms and would have to implement every word of this book into the core of my existence. Its a book about trauma and the animal instincts when we are in fight or flight. A book that talks about the ancient mammalian brain we have as humans and how we act under deep trauma or stress. Strange to think that really for how individual we are there are actually very few reactions to a human when they go into the deepest places of anguish or threat. The one thing that stood out the most in this book was when the author told a story of a group of children who got kidnapped. They were put down in a mine shaft and held hostage. Of the group of 20 or so kids only one child did not panic and freeze which is the natural reaction when we are scared. He took the spoon out of his lunchpail and began to dig at the dirt to create an opening to the outside. He never stopped trying to get out. When the kids were rescued the social service agency that dealt with their families began to follow the families over time and do a study on the effects of the trauma of the children. They discovered the only child that did not suffer long term was the one who had gotten out his spoon and tried to dig himself out. You see when we are in the most pain and fear of our lives is when the action must take place. Sometimes it is just getting out of bed and showering. Sometimes it is as simple as actually eating a meal. Sometimes its getting into the car and driving around the block to get out of the house for a moment. it may be picking up the 10,000 pound phone and calling a friend, saying hello and then hanging up. The most important thing is no not freeze in life. Although death of our sweet children can feel unbearable we actually have what it takes to survive this loss. Somewhere deep inside of us there is a survival instinct that says “move” get up and just move until you can feel your feet walking. Soon you will feel your legs moving while your feet fall one in front of the other effortlessly. Next will come your hips to assist and soon you will feel your core muscles catapulting your legs forward ,thrusting you naturally into life again. Not to long after that you may even feel your own will force directing your legs, the” will” to walk without thinking about it first. Its important to remember this sort of movement is not connected to “time” as time is different for everyone in grief. Time is not linear . Time does not ,promise one event follows another or that you will feel better in 1 year or 10. Time becomes elusive, hard to catch, blurred, irrelevant to ones recovery. This practice of returning to life is not about what others think you should be doing or how fast they believe you need to get up and start walking again. This is you, tapping into your own ancient, survival instinct to bring forward life force within you. This is your life’s purpose calling you back to claim your individual walk, apart from your children, your partner, your friends, your family. This is about you not freezing and agreeing to move, to keep moving energy just in case the moment comes when you are ready to say yes to life again. When my son died my mind found the mantra “ do no further harm”. I believed it was a message from the angelic realms telling me to not take Koa’s death out on My body, mind or spirit OR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.. Drink water every day, walk around the block so my body doesnt stop functioning and eat food to give me strength for the long period of grief ahead. When it was time to wretch, scream, retaliate and feel the deep loss of hope and faith in life I was to let it happen fully, no holding back. It didnt matter where I was, who i was with, or what came in to set it off. The message was clear. If I held it in it would kill me too. In conclusion I will say I am by far “ through” anything. I am not healed, cured, over my son’s passing or free from grief. Its quite the opposite. I am now just learning that it is not going anywhere, this unwanted, insistent ally called grief. Its mine, its the gift my son left in his wake. The gift that is breaking down my whole life that I thought I loved, tearing apart all of my belief systems, making me look at mortality straight in the eye. Its the terrible, shattering, forceful energy that is breaking apart my marriage, challenging my health, ripping friends from my life and leaving me naked before god. Its also the energy that is making me realize my time here is fleeting and to wake up to my dreams. It is showing me a deeper form of love than I ever thought I was capable of. It is taking all of the drama out of petty emotions and giving me strength to see my heart more clearly. It helping me stand for others who are in real need. Its cleaning me out, clearing my path, making me see straight. Its bonding me to gratitude, strengthening my soul and asking me to commit fully to this life I have been given. I am far from done with this grief. I will not be done until my last breath leaves my body. Bless you my sisters of this journey, mothers to the angel children! Maybe somewhere in these quickly written, scattered heartfelt words there is a gem for you. Blessings, V please feel free to share this post with whoever is in your heart...
Posted on: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 05:32:22 +0000
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