STOP MAKING SENSE. I wanted to punch my yoga teacher today. Or someone. Or something. It happens. There she was, at the beginning of class, telling my favorite Ganesha story. Where the elephant-headed remover of obstacles and preserver of joy from Hindu lore is startled by a snake, falls, bursts open his belly full of desserts (aka sweetness and joy), determinedly gathers up that scattered sweetness...and then wraps the snake around his belly to contain the joy. And immediately - like the good yoga student and teacher that I am - I applied the story to my life and smiled genuinely (and perhaps a bit proudly and smugly) at the positive significance: - The snake represents the many obstacles that tripped me up during my difficult months in Nashville (people, conditions and personal patterns that I perceived as impeding my ability to do what I came to do - be of service to my aging father). - The fall symbolizes the times I hit emotional bottoms and lost all sense of joy. - The gathering of sweetness is my determination to glean the positive lesson from this mess. - And (drum roll please), the use of the snake to preserve those benefits? THE GRAND FINALE, THE HAPPY ENDING, THE REASON FOR THIS WHOLE SITUATION? That snake - as both the obstacle to and preserver of joy - represents my sisters. Initially, Id judged them as harmful bad guys due to their inconsiderate treatment of me while handling some complicated family business. Quickly, my perspective shifted. My compassion enlarged. My forgiveness sank in. And my love for them returned. Now, I see them as well-intentioned family members who come from the same dysfunctional roots as I, who reacted as best as they can to the extremely difficult reality of my fathers medical and personal situations, and who misdirected their discomfort at me. Im not saying that all of their negative opinions of me were wrong! Yall know that I own my mistakes. And, Im not saying my sisters actions were constructive. Damage was done. I am, however, saying that there is nothing simple, pretty or comfortable when historical family dysfunction is placed in the setting of handling an aging parents affairs. I understand this, I understand my sisters actions toward me...and I applaud and appreciate their genuine intentions to - despite their own resentments and estrangement - team up to help my father. If they have to gang up against me to be effective, so be it. Ill survive. In fact, here we all are - classic Meyers Warriors, determined to trudge through difficulties. And I truly honor my sisters for that. So this morning in class, I wrapped them around my belly of regained sweetness and joy. And I envisioned their warrior spirits accompanying me as I joyfully return home to DC later this month. Yes, yogis and yoginis, at the outset of this mornings class, Id made perfect sense out of yet another life challenge. (Applause, applause...ahem...) My soul sang, my heart warmed, my spirit lifted. And...so...why did I want to punch my teacher? That came later. Later, after the fun stories and 108 Ganesha chants and cleansing breath work. Later, when my smug smile transformed into clenched jaws. Later, when we were taking what felt like 1,000 breaths in poses like Warrior 2, Goddess and Lizard. Later, when my anger oozed from my hips and stared me in the face...engulfed my mind...shook my heart. And I found myself wanting to punch things! Which had nothing to do with my innocent teacher, whod unwittingly crafted the exact yoga class that I needed in order to deeply release very natural emotions that Id shoved aside for the sake of a more positive attitude. Hah, yup - Spiritually Bypass strikes again! Obviously Id not sufficiently processed my anger at my sisters. This yoga class was just a start. And Im devoted to find the support and resources to address whatever needs healing. The spiritual life is not a theory - I have to continually heed such rising awareness and take action to get real with it. Only then can I actually live the responsible, accountable and service-oriented life I yearn to live. In no way did todays surfacing of anger change my loving opinion of my sisters. I wish them well in general and in their work on my fathers behalf. And I aim to continue serving my father and family however possible from my new place in life. A friend says that I like to see the Silver Linings of situations. A different friend says he appreciates my honesty about the shitty linings, as well. (His words!) DISCOMFORT AND SOLUTION CAN COEXIST. So can anger and love. In fact, Id say from experience that their dance around each other, fighting for a front row seat in my process, is an essential part of truly healing from and shifting forward after upsets, pain and trauma. Personally, to navigate these waves, I prioritize being rigorously honest with myself and others, gaining counsel in fellowship and community, and staying devoted to healing from destructive patterns and their origins. This morning, I did not punch my teacher. Or anything. I stayed in poses as long as I could - and when I surrendered to rest, I was easy on myself. Sometimes my greatest obstacle is insisting on making perfect sense out of challenging situations...but Ill tell ya, when my hips scream, Its not that simple, I listen and change course. And today I found that the perfectly imperfect and wholly human fluctuation between anger and love makes the most sense of all. Jai Ganesha! And thank you to ALL teachers... Love.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 17:46:56 +0000
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