Saturday September 14th I have never been afraid of the dark or night but as I set here now I am afraid to go to sleep I don’t know if it is fears from my past or just the fact that for the first time in my I feel completely alone. I have never felt alone even when I was on my own but now I feel alone even when I am around people I don’t want to talk to people or even look at them I find myself hiding in the corner of places with my back to the wall. I ran into a person I knew the other day I spoke to them but made an excuse to get away as fast as I could. I just want to stay to myself and think about things. I find no hope or happiness in the days I just want to get through each day and fear the next. I spend a lot of time thinking about the only time in my life that I remember being truly happy and how I messed that up I no longer care about what happens to me I just worry everyday about people I care about and love only wanting to make up for all the mistakes I have made in my past. I see no way of doing this but I will spend the rest of my life trying and for the first time in life I will not run from my fears or heart break. I made a decision back in June and July not to run but to face my mistakes head on. This week I will face the legal ones I fear what may happen I have been told some of what might happen but nothing is in stone so I don’t know what will happen but I will accept what will come. But I think I would rather go away for a long time than spend another day without love. I had done things to push the ones I love away so that if I do have to go away that it would be easier on them but It worked to well and now I regret that I did it I never wanted to hurt anyone but when my lawyer said several weeks back that he did not think I would be able to stay out I just wanted to distance myself from the ones I love. But now I regret doing this because I would give my life for one more day with the ones I love just one meal one more walk. I didn’t write this to post but if this can show just one of you that life is never what we think it is or what we may feel is important in our day today life is not but what is important is showing the ones you love that every day and don’t do stupid stuff to push people away because you fear what may come. Hold them tight and face the future together because love makes the hard days easier and even if things get bad and at least you can help one another. So to everyone I have hurt I am truly sorry and I don’t ask you to forgive me but know I am sorry.
Posted on: Sun, 15 Sep 2013 14:41:11 +0000
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