Second to the last episode, Last Shipmates: don your biohazard suits and secure the lab doors. This episode was full of infectious, sappy hyperbole. . . 1) We open with a survivor (CDR Chandler’s father) leaving his dear – a weeks worth of food for 4 at least – for two people who will likely be dead in two days. While that’s nice, that’s not how you really survive a global meltdown of society for a year. 2) Back on the boat, preparations are in process for Cossetti’s funeral, and who better to organize it than CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader? He now has bestowed upon his ineffable person, the moniker “Master of Ceremonies.” The CO says of Cossetti “He didn’t need to redeem himself.” Well, that stands in stark contrast to what he was getting from the chain of command the last two weeks. If you had told him that before, he may not have pulled the dumb puppy and still be alive this episode. . . Communication – Try it. 3) Dr. Scott needs volunteers for a right-next-to suicide mission. Of course, the CO wants to volunteer (unlikely) and the XO talks him out of it (also unlikely) but the CO wants someone from the leadership to be in there. It’s okay, because CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies has out volunteered everyone. He now has bestowed upon his infallible being the title of “Outstanding Volunteer.” 4) The doctors are screening volunteers. Miller the Cowardly Token Enlisted Guy is volunteering. “Do you have any aches or pains?” The doctor asks. Miller the Cowardly Token Enlisted Guy responds “Just aching to do my part!” Are you KIDDING ME??? Who writes this horse pucky? 5) Dr. Scott has told volunteers to grab something sentimental. The Female Half of the Lovebird Lieutenants grabs her prom queen sash. What a vain whore. 6) They start injecting the volunteers with this vaccine of which the effects are unknown – Outside the quarantine. And who is a volunteer also? CHENG! She’s a member of the higher leadership, most likely 3rd in command, but we still needed CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer to show that the leadership is involved. . . I think Dr. Scotts miracle monkey might be better off commanding the ship. 7) In fact: There are only TWO enlisted guys in the volunteer group. Two. Out of six. UN-EFFING-LIKELY. 8) Mrs. Chandler goes out on a run, and misses the dead guy oozing puss and blood out of every orifice laying right next to her. This can only end badly. 9) CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer breaks out his iPad and plays some generic reggae for the generic Jamaican. All the volunteers move to the music like this is their jam, yo. Are you kidding? Not one person acted like “Oh God make him stop.” Unlikely. CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer now has “DJ” bestowed upon his righteous title. 10) Miller the Cowardly Enlisted Guy uses this time to hit on Mya the Female Token Enlisted Person. . . 11) The junior officers (well, only the important ones) are in the wardroom talking about what will happen when they have the cure. The Lone SEAL goes Twilight Emo again “Hey – it’s only been six hours. Let’s not jinx this.” I don’t know if it’s just his dialogue, or if he is a really bad actor, or both, but gad that guy’s character is BS! 12) Dr. Scott starts infecting our 4 noble volunteers and 2 enlisted people. . . The Lone SEAL sulks in the wardroom. . . Isn’t he supposed to be on Port and Report? Doesn’t he have a watch to get to? 13) We find out that the Female Token Enlisted Person lost both parents in 9/11, and that probably nobody is missing her. Oh play me the violin. 14) Meanwhile, CHENG loses blood flow to her fingers. Quincy, the most learned CDC doctor has to tell the HMC who has to tell him that she’s hypertensive and that she needs a saline. Unlikely. Gratuitous scene of The Lone SEAL doing pull-ups. smh 15) All is not well in quarantine CHENG sings lullabies to The Female Lovebird Lieutenant – are you serious?? Scott goes to give Tex his pendent which has presumably his daughter, or maybe his underage lover in it, but Tex grabs her hand and says “You make me want to love again.” I’m wondering if because this is second to the last episode if Michael Bay tried to fit as much sappy, melodramatic assclownery in this episode as possible, just in case it doesn’t get renewed. 16) OH MY GOD!! CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer/DJ sits up like got-dang Dracula yelling “BABY I BEEN STROOONG!!” What the everlovin’ f*ck is going on around here? 17) Mya, the Female Token Enlisted Person dies of a bloody nose. Miller the Cowardly affirms “You said that no one will miss you – I will.” Sure he will, that’s probably as close as he’s ever been to sleeping with a girl. . . The CO decides he’s going to award her the Navy Cross. That may be hard in the absence of a SecNav and any government whatsoever, but eh, I guess he can do whatever he wants. 18) We find Dr. Quincy giving Dr. Scott the Female Lovebird Lieutenant’s test results and we find out that she is pregnant. Wait. . . they started this test without having all the bloodwork done?? What kind of Mickey Mouse bullsh*t is going on around here? The CO tells The Lone SEAL about his erstwhile lovers condition, and allows a conjugal visit? I thought he was ordered to cease this unduly romance. The Lone SEAL goes in and holds her hand. “Don’t you dare leave me!” Totally SEAL worthy. Her nose starts bleeding. The Female Token Enlisted Person died pretty much immediately, but something tells me that the Female Lovebird Lieutenant will miraculously power through, because she’s a J.O. 19) Dr. Scott goes to cry in the other hanger bay amongst the animal boxes they built in Nicaragua. . . but wait, the boxes have signs on them that say “CDC Ship to: USS Nathan James.” ….. CONTINUITY DIRCTOR!!!! YOU HAD ONE JOB! 20) Meanwhile, the CO goes and holds the CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer/DJ’s hand and whispers sweet nothings in his ear “When they speak about the Great Plague of the 21st Century, they’ll speak of you.” Of course they will! He’s the most important guy on earth! Lawd! 21) Miller the Cowardly Enlisted guy even gets a fan club, consisting of LT Burk and another nondescript enlisted guy. LT Burk says “C’mon Miller, we still need you.” Of course you still need him, LT, if he dies in this episode, they might be out of enlisted guys to kill and you’re probably next in line to die! 22) Dr. Scott figures out she needs the primordial strain in her vaccine. . . uh. . . I thought you knew that. . . I thought that’s why you risked life and limb to get it in the arctic? Usually, remaking a vaccine would take weeks, maybe months, but Dr. Scott whips it up in 5 minutes, because we can lose an enlisted guy, but those junior officers are indispensable. 23) A few minutes later everyone is HEALED! PRAISE JESUS IT’S A MIRACLE!!! The CO hand feeds CMC/BMOW/POOW/TAO/Chaplain/Repair 5 Leader/Coxswain/Medicine Man/Soothsayer/All Around Good Guy/VBSS Team Leader/Master of Ceremonies/Outstanding Volunteer/DJ a cup of water, and he says “told you.” He will now have added to his illustrious self the mantel of “Prophet.” 24) The Lone SEAL goes in to tell the Female Lovebird Lieutenant “Hey, you’re preggers!” She is shocked at the news. . . even though it has been presumably weeks since their last encounter before their botched mission as a suicide boat. But hey, she may have been totally unaware that Aunt Flow didn’t stop by this month. . . They rekindle their romance. . . good grief. 25) Dr. Scott tells the CO that she has the cure and they can heal the sick! Now you and your Merry Band of Junior Officers can travel the world performing miracles and healing the sick like Jesus Christ! 26) The last scene shows us Mrs. Chandler pulling a Typhoid Mary and infecting everyone in her house. . . CDR Chandler better hurry, because Even Michael Bay can’t keep her alive forever once the “Red Flu” takes hold. . . I mean, she isn’t a Junior Officer. . . Next week is the last episode of the season. . . I don’t know whether to be happy or sad about that. . . It sure as hell isn’t Walking Dead. See you next week, Last Shipmates. . . in the meantime, cover your mouths when you sneeze. #thelastship
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 21:10:27 +0000