September 16th is a date that will forever be burned into my memory. It once was a day that in that moment i thought id never recover from. Its been a day ive cried through and felt like a failure. Its been a day ive ignored and pretended didnt exist...and its been a day I have been able to finally see in a different light. 8 yrs later, Im not sure ill ever understand the reason for the pain and I dont believe there will ever be a reason WORTH that, to me...but i trust that all was in Gods will, and I see where I gained strength and compassion that I didnt have before, that makes it not entirely in vain. The pain of losing a child at ANY gestation or point in their lifetime is one I do not think as humans we are ever prepared to grasp or move on from entirely. Its especially hard to recover from a miscarriage of a child you never got to hold, never got to rock, dont have a picture of, or a footprint in ink to remember by..no funeral or gravesite to visit and link you to them. Its you, all alone, with the knowledge that it does exist, though you have no physical proof. Thats really tough and nearly impossible to truly find closure from completely when thats the cards you have been dealt. I wonder who you could have been, and if you would have been beautiful like your sister, or tall like your brother..it breaks my heart that im your mom, but i wasnt lucky enough to meet you. Over the years I had to find something to tie my remembrance to.. And what I tied it to, is silly but always brings a smile to my face anytime i take a moment to reflect. I tied it to a cat. This white cat was a gift that laid on my doorstep with a balloon tied to it and a single rose...a card saying im sorry and we are here when you need us..from 2 of my really good friends Christy McCranie and Amanda C. Im sure you guys have not thought about that cat since you sat it down that day... But its a silly stuffed animal that ill never be able to toss in the garage sale pile. Over the years, both of my kids frequently play with this boring stuffed cat together, having the best time.. both unknowing it has any significance at all to anyone. When i see that, i am overwhelmed with a glimpse that i could never have otherwise...one of all 3 of my kids together in the spirit. So thank you both for indirectly fulfilling something that keeps that memory alive for me in a positive way!
Posted on: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 01:47:56 +0000
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