Several times in my life I have had the pleasure of Ns punishing me by disowning me and cutting me out of their lives. When this happens, the best thing we can do is enjoy it while it lasts, because one thing Ive learned is it wont last forever. Things start getting real interesting a few years down the road, when the N who ostracized you decides your punishment is over, shows up again in your life like nothing ever happened, expects you to welcome her with open arms, and becomes enraged when you dont. Suddenly we are the unforgiving ones (not that there was any apology or repentance or even discussion of the original rift~ Ns avoid those at all costs) who are holding a grudge. WE are wrong for not talking to someone who was not talking to US. Why was it okay when the N stopped speaking to us, but its not okay when we decide to leave it that way? How come the N wasnt unforgiving, holding a grudge, and un-Christian when she was shunning us? I have had Ns who disowned me ring my doorbell ten years later, and then be surprised when I wouldnt let them in, as if I was the crazy one (The response to are you ready to talk about what happened was no, thats all in the past and we should forget about it. Sorry, but I want some answers as to why you hurt me like you did, and maybe a little remorse). Why is this a surprise? Why would I let someone in my home, my sanctuary, who stopped speaking to me and spent a decade shunning me, whom I barely even recognize anymore? Why would I be happy to see someone who had treated me so abysmally? Why would I welcome someone when there was bad blood between us that never got resolved? Ns like to be in control. They think theyre the boss and they make up all the rules. If they want to teach us a lesson and punish us, they stop talking to us and shun us. We can beg and plead and cry, but they will not even take our calls. Then, usually when they want something or have lost another source of narcissistic supply (attention, respect, sympathy, admiration, etc.) because another one of their relationships broke up, they try and resurrect an old, already-trained source of supply-US. They conveniently forget everything they did to us and do not want to talk about it. This is the easy way out for them, but leaves us hanging with no closure, not knowing what happened back then and not trusting them not to dump us again if we get attached again. The problem never gets resolved. We dont want to be pressured into reconciliation with so many questions still unanswered. We want a discussion, and they dont. So whose rules do we go by now? Well, one of the biggest mistakes Ns make is waiting to try and reconcile. They think theyre punishing us real good, but meanwhile, were starting to realize how nice life is without them. After a year or two or ten without having to deal with their abuse, theres no way were going back. Who needs it? Weve healed, weve gotten stronger, we have boundaries now. The tables have turned, and we make the rules about who were going to associate with and who we let into our lives. So when we say No thanks, the N gets enraged and stops speaking to us again. Well, Hallelujah. Back to a nice N-free life. And this whole episode gets chalked up to one of those insane incidents that happen all the time in life with Ns. We laugh about it, blog about it, shake our heads in wonder and move on~ until next time :-)
Posted on: Sat, 27 Dec 2014 22:53:32 +0000
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