Sharing a piece of my life story and why I have been posting so much about food lately... I hesitated in posting this thinking I am sharing too much or is this ego based but then the other part of me says maybe someone needs to read this too so I am sending this out with love and unabashed vulnerability........................... ..........Push back 19 years to when I was diagnosed with Leukemia to now. The last 19 years I have spent trying to figure what I DID to cause cancer- uncontrolled emotions, poor choices, lack of self-love, eating the wrong foods, bad genes, bad karma, toxic environment etc. What did I DO to cause this and what do I need to change so I don’t get cancer back and this time maybe die from it. So began my quest for control. When you overcome cancer they just kind of say okay you’re in remission and send you on your way. Never mind the fact you almost died or the long-term effects of chemo, radiation etc. that aren’t talked about. You walk out into the world and think now what…. I was always a fearful child but now I was even more fearful. Many who survive cancer go the opposite way and live life on the edge while I spent mine trying to claw myself desperately away from the edge. The first few months after treatment I felt like I was experiencing everything new it was exciting but then about six months after treatment I started to get scared … of everything. About the six month mark I got a flat tire and it sent me over the edge I came home and my Mom said what happened your white as a ghost and my eyes were those of a deer caught in headlights and things slipped from that day forward. I didn’t know what to say to her…. I just survived a life threatening illness and wanted to just feel nothing, deal with nothing and live in a bubble. I think about my parents a lot lately and what they went through when all that happened. They were always right there smiling and never looking scared through that whole ordeal… they are two very strong people that I love the hell out of. After that flat tire I began to shut down or stopped feeling… or ignored my awareness of it. I became even more sensitive to my body and every rash, twitch, stomach pain, headache meant I had some disease that was terminal. Even though death stared me in the face I still couldn’t look death in the face and make peace. The one area I ferociously controlled was food. Food was making me sick so I thought. So I started eliminating gluten, then dairy, then eggs, then carbs and on and on for years. I would read on the internet about every supplement, herb, detox method there was because I thought I must be toxic from all of that chemo and I had to have been toxic to get cancer… again what did I do to make this happen. So I began depriving, restricting, and being angry at my body and myself. All I experienced was more exhaustion and more symptoms for years!! Depression and anxiety isolated me further. My relationships suffered. I was scared to love because I didn’t want to be left. I had no love for myself. I spent so much time, energy, money on searching externally for my savior. If I don’t eat this I won’t get cancer… If I do yoga seven days a week I won’t get cancer.. If I do a juice cleanse I won’t get cancer… my liver must be toxic so I will cleanse my liver…my thoughts are toxic so I will read every self help book known to mankind… If I eliminate every toxin in my environment I won’t get cancer.. and all I ended up with was more sickness. I get tired even thinking about it all lol… I don’t know what has shifted lately over the past year. About a week ago I broke down one of many times lol but this time I just wrapped my arms around myself and truly loved myself. I had been doing the mirror exercises every morning telling myself affirmations for weeks but this time I felt my love. I felt my body relax for the first time in years….seriously muscles that I hadn’t even realized had been tense relaxed. I had thoughts that weren’t about how am I going to not get sick or feel pain or anything for that matter. Instead of clawing my way away from the edge I am learning to balance myself along the edge and look up towards the sky instead of focusing down the cliff. My journey of balance has started with lessening my food restrictions and trusting myself. I have more to embrace and let go of with regards to my relationships, career and loving myself but I know I am moving upward instead of deeper down the cliff and I think I will be breaking more rules ;)
Posted on: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 23:49:48 +0000
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