Shitty Coffee day 188: It has been 6 months and 4 days since I started my journey of learning to live, be happy, sober and content. I have relapsed before and made plenty of mistakes in my new life but have stuck with the fact that this is just my reality. I have to be sober, I have to learn to live life on lifes terms and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sounds simple but man it is not. At least not for me. This past few weeks have thoroughly kicked my ass. This past year in fact has just been off. Not all bad just different. In accepting my reality everything has changed. My relationships are stronger or just gone. There is no middle. Life seems slow and mundane even in the mist of total chaos. Partly in play due to depression that tends to occur with people in early recovery the first year or so (PAWS post acute withdrawal syndrome) I was so adapted to drinking as a solution that without it sometimes I just feel lost and alone. So it became my friend, my healer that thing you do when you dont know what to do. Learning to live life on lifes terms is a pain in the butt. It really is. But to fill joy I hear thats what we have to do. So here it is. It is not easy. It is a fight. it is scary. Can I get out of the funk? Can I gain some kind of control over any of these things that are happening. No Thats the answer I can not. I dont have that kind of super power. What I can do is let go and trust the God is at the end of the day in control. I have to accept what is and move on. So today I sit and work. I am dealing with the stupidest medical issues and have been for quite some time. I am happy we finally know whats going on but not happy about treatments and the amount of time it will take to get better. My liver started to quit me last year. It was the main thing that made me change everything. It was worth fighting for. Now After getting to this point it decides it still is not my biggest fan. It has a infection and needs time to heal. So I have to learn what it is like to just slow down for a second. Slowing down is not my strong point, but it is going to happen. I am angry about it but it is what it is. I am happy however that I have a strong support system and wont be alone in it. I am happy for my jobs that allow me to set my own goals and metrics. I am thankful for alot of things and people. Now here is the kicker. why would I share this. Because I want my friends to know. Life is hard it is easy to quit. To say F it i tried now look. It is easy to settle. It is not easy to fight. I chose to fight. Everytime. I choose to fight publicly because it is good to show others even in times of trouble you can fight it out. I will win, it may not be pretty but I will win. Points to the story: dont stop listen to your body if you need help go get it bad things will happen how you deal with them define you So now I start the treatment part of this shitty liver thing. Prayer request. I dont want to feel like crap for the next 6 months. So if that could happen it would be great. :)
Posted on: Thu, 04 Sep 2014 21:00:23 +0000
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