Since 2009 I have lost 3 friends who died of broken hearts. Their pain was so much they took their own lives, but never let on they were hurting. To know them you never would have guessed they were in pain. Please know when I say this Im not making this all about me, but after each friend died by their own hand I felt tremendous guilt. Survivors guilt maybe. From the time I was 15 to probably the time I reached my early 30s I wanted out. From those 15 years I experienced soMe of my darkest days. It wasnt something I felt constantly, but it was always there as an option. I really had no concept of how things sometimes just are what they are....mainly, me being disabled and my life not being like my other friends lives. I made a few suicidal gestures and one big attempt. Thank goodness I failed. It wasnt until rehab made me realize at the end of the day I was still disabled and my mother was still dead, but I STILL had a choice. At that point I relied entirely on my faith and one foot in front of the other I managed to finally walk out of that darkness. Ive cried so much for my friends who left before the miracle happened, and Ive wished so much that I could have known they were hurting. After hearing about Robin Williams taking his own life Ive felt this same sadness. I dont understand why some people find their way out while others cant. I dont believe it means theyre weaker than others. And I dont believe its because theyre not trying. I just wish they could find peace. I truly love my life today and live it with a constant feeling of excitement in wondering what the next small victory will be that Im to walk through. I mean, I still get sad and I still get scared of the unknown, BUT when I look back on the last 10 or so years I can see hope in that no matter what...I was always ok and maybe Ive had times where Ive felt Ive never had everything I wanted, but I do know Ive always had everything Ive needed. :)
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 02:09:30 +0000
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