Since national eating disorder awareness month is around the corner (February 23rd-March 23rd). I wear purple because for 8 years anorexia and many years of body dysmorphia made me believe I was living, when in fact every part of my being was slowly dying! I lost out on so much happiness and freedom. Not only was I a prisoner of my ED, but also the ones I loved and cherished the most! I was robbed of precious time with my son, not to mention months where I was unable a to hug, kiss, or just hold him. Moments with my husband, where we would just hold each other, no words spoken, just feeling the unconditional love between us...taken and gone forever! Quality time spent with my parents, nights of just reminiscing of childhood memories and wondering what the future would hold, something we did often but slowly ED diminished away. Bonding time with my little sister, one of many things I cherish most. The laughter we shared, talking on the phone for hours about anything and everything. All I ever wanted was my little sister to look up to me and lean on me for support, when in turn she was the one supporting me through the many years of my struggle. I was frail and helpless. I isolated myself from everyone, especially my closest friends. Losing out on participating in their special life events, inside jokes, and hours of laughter until in tears remembering back on times spent together, memories that were never made. For so long ED was my identity. It consumed every ounce of me, it was my obsession! Years of anxiety and depression manifested into a cold lifeless being. I started to become numb from the high the disease had given me. Misery was the only thing I felt. I was so lost and felt defeated! In 2011, I was admitted for the second time into a treatment center in New Orleans, my first time was back in 2006 at the Renfrew center in Philadelphia. Everyday I thank god for my time spent in LA! It was my glimmer of hope that recovery would someday be a part of my vocabulary. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I was way from my son, husband, family, and friends. Every second spent there was almost unbearable but I knew this was my last hope, I needed to do this to jump back on the path that God had given me! Though it is a slow process and I can not say everyday since treatment has been perfect, but everyday I am getting stronger! I believe at taking one day at a time, everyday brings a new challenge, and everyday I will deal with that challenge in a different manor. There is no such thing as perfection, yes I the perfectionist just wrote these words! There is no point dwelling on what I could have or should have done differently. Looking for the positive in everything has helped me keep moving forward! I am happier than I have been ever because I no longer listen to the words my ED! I deserve a life of living, not a life as a prisoner to my body and ED! I pride myself on the progress I have made thus far, overcoming so many painful obstacles. I have learned (and still learning) to let go, I am freeing myself little by little and getting my life back one day at a time. I am proof that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE, and for those that still continue to struggle, stay strong because recovery is possible for EVERYONE! 💜💜💜
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 04:27:02 +0000
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