Smiles for 1-24: Morning... There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, Good morning, Lord, And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, Good Lord, its morning. Quick Quotes This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once its retired. - Conan OBrien Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball history that the players have more additives than the hot dogs. - Jay Leno Weve had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break - Bill Maher, on the weather in California. Out of Order A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said, Out of Order. Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . Keep Running! Baggage My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply dont want to put up with it, she explained. Taking her mothers hand in hers, my friends daughter said sweetly, I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but youre not exactly carry-on yourself. Childbirth After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, Ive got the head now; just a few more minutes. Is it a girl or boy? I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, I dont know. Its hard to tell by the ears. Helping Out A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the childs shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, And now what, my little man? To which the boy turns and yells, NOW WE RUN! School Notes These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Babies Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance. What dya want me to do, Doctor? Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes! The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. Mike, youre the proud father of a fine strapping boy. Saints be praised, I... Before Mike can finish the doctor interrupts, Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey. Soon the doctor delivers the next child. Youve a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter. Thanks be to... Again the doctor cuts in. Hold the lantern, Mikey! Hold the lantern! Soon the doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the third baby for Mikes inspection. Doctor, asks Mike, do you think its the light thats attracting em? Airline Humor Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane must clean it. From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate! Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, did we land or were we shot down? After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways. [ arcamax ] ============================== National Geographic Animal Video https://youtube/embed/Hodomt6bBOw
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 06:47:44 +0000
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