Smiles for 1-29: “Freedom is the oxygen of the soul.” - Moshe Dayan “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” - Carl Bard “Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.” - Ovid “In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer [ BNIQ ] ---------------------------------------- I wish my computer keyboard had a removable crumb tray like my toaster! If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible. Women shouldnt have children after 35 ...because that many children is more than enough! A physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept when a pre-med student rudely interrupted. Why must we learn this pointless information? The professor responded, To save lives. The student wouldnt give up. How does physics save lives? The professor replied, By keeping dumbies like you out of med school! [ AL ] ------------------------------------------ The Verdict The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the not guilty verdict hed just heard. Bitterly, he asked, What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man? The foreman answered, Insanity. The attorney responded, still incredulous, I could understand that. But, all twelve of you? Work Wisdom Kauffmans Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. Wisdom of the Workplace Weiners Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. Lampners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. Work Motivators The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you dont have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. Funny Ads These are advertisements that have appeared in papers We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Dumb There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth. The second professor says No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot. The first professor says Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I dont know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If Im there then tell me to come home and eat dinner. The son says, gleefully, Sure dad and runs off. The second professor not to be outdone says Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave. Sam says OK. and leaves. The professors keep arguing. Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if Ive ever heard it. Sam says Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didnt tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave. Politics Explained as Cows SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead. DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government. [ arcamax ] ===================================
Posted on: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 06:37:35 +0000
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