Smiles for 12-20: Quick Quotes Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. -- Dennis Wholey What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. -- Oscar Levant Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more. To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know whats sad about that? Not the gambling, but the fact the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. -- Jay Leno They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And thats just to keep the Bush twins away from the bar. -- Craig Ferguson Dads are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look over the paper and grumble, Shake it off! -- Robert G. Lee One-Liners When I was born, I was so surprised I couldnt talk for a year and a half. I dont approve of political jokes...Ive seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew. Identity A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter. Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, Im Jane Sugarbrown. The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter? She replied, I thought I was, but mother says Im not. Election Win The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. Ma, he shouted, the results are in. I won the election! Honestly? The politicians smiled faded. Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this? Doctor? An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: Welcome to McDonalds. May I take you order? New Mattress Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we werent sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. Measure the bed frame before you leave, I told him. I dont have a tape measure. You can use a dollar bill, I suggested, each one is six inches long. Cant, he replied after digging through his wallet, I only have a ten. The Senate A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians! All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted. Ok he said, I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians! Political Support It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans! The crowd went wild, shouting Hoya! Hoya! The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation! Hoya! Hoya! cried the crowd, stomping their feet. I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans! The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, Hoya! Hoya! Hoya! After the speech, the Politician was touring the reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. Sure, the Chief said, but be careful not to step in the hoya. Getting Snow? A diary of one persons love of snow... December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said wed have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, Id never want to see snow again. December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8 last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but Im getting in better shape. Just wish I didnt huff & puff so much. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wifes car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think thats silly - we arent in Alaska... December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.) December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Cant believe Im freezing to death in my own living room. (Wont admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when shes right.) December 20: Powers back on and had another 14 of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think hes lying...) December 22: White Christmas!!! 13 more of the white stuff & its so cold, it wont melt til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure hes lying.) December 23: Only 2 of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think shes lying.) December 24: 6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Im gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if Im finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow. December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20 of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot and if I have to watch Its a Wonderful Life one more time, Ill throw her in the snowbank. December 26: Still snowed in. December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!! December 29: Another 10 & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. Thats the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9 in forecast. December 31: Set fire to whats left of the house: no more shoveling. January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? [ arcamax ] ==================================
Posted on: Sat, 20 Dec 2014 07:25:22 +0000
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