So I actually saw this opening weekend and... Its taken this long for me to really pull it all together in my head. To explain, when I got to see a movie I mostly try and avoid reviews and what other people are saying, because I want my expectation to be just what the name and movie poster have shown me. If its an existing intellectual property (IP) or something Im super excited for, Ill watch trailers. So of course I saw this: youtu.be/VZZ0PnDZdZk Ninja Turtles was something I was excited to see, and not because I expected it to be good. Oh no, I was expecting a train wreck of a movie. And before anyone gets too excited, NO. Im not hating on Michael Bay or anyone else that worked on this. Im not hating on Eastman and Laird. Im hating on the concept. By their own omissions, Eastman and Laird meant Turtles as a joke and a parody, and lord knows Ive written fun stuff like that and Ive seen how those ideas can just sort of get away from you and grow into their own thing. *cough Peeved cough*. Its really just a dumb idea that we love. The problem is that most writers, directors, and creators just dont seem to know what to do with such a thing. Let me explain how this should work. What made the original TMNT great, and I mean go back to the original comics, is that it didnt take itself too seriously as a comic, but the characters took themselves pretty seriously even if they understood they were a bit ludicrous. The animated series we all know and love from the 80s and 90s (seriously guys, that thing went on for from 87-96!), everyone who worked on it knew they were working on something that was just a bit silly, so the turtles themselves were a bit silly. It was meant for kids (the original comics were not!) even the villains were a bit silly. But the thing was, these were still beings that existed in this world of silly, still characters. So they bantered, and they talked, but they got the job done. When the Shredder lost, he might have wined, but he really did want to win, it was important to him. If you want to see what I mean about a villain who doesnt take himself seriously, look up Dr. Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. Now enough Nostalgia, what does this mean to Ninja Turtles? It did the exact opposite of this. The movie took itself seriously, they tried to make the concepts, origins of the turtles and everything else realistic. Worse, they ripped off the basic premise of The Secret of NIMH to try and have something that worked. And honestly, having Splinter be one of the rats of NIMH kind of works for me. However, there are two sides of this. If the movie took itself seriously, the characters didnt. In the above trailer you see Mikey completely miss the point. The mask isnt what scared her, you did. And rather than acknowledge youre a giant talking turtle, he doesnt take himself seriously and just acts like an idiot, and thats done with nearly every character at some point in this entire thing. And Ill get to that. But first, what I liked: One of the things I really enjoyed it about the film was the back-story for the villains. Sacks, and even Shredder, are given great reasons for being who they are, and acting the way they do. Sacks wants to be a hero, the way he envisions his father was, but equally is self aware enough to acknowledge that being a bad guy to do it is probably OK, since his father was a soldier. While they only barely touch on it, they also show the devotion to his Sensei, and how hell do anything to earn the Shredders approval. Equally, the Shredder doesnt treat him like dirt. He doesnt yell, he doesnt call him incompetent, and when hes shown the new armor, hes subtly impressed with his student. He also never yells at Sacks for not being a ninja, and instead seems perfectly ok that his prize pupil followed a different path from what he himself was good at. And the Shredder himself. He wants glory, prestige, and the return of the place on-high of his clan and the proper respect they deserve. Hes getting older, and is disappointed with the recruits he has, and acknowledges how the old ways are falling apart. He wants something big to bring them back from the brink of extinction, and when faced with extinction, ANY alternative is acceptable. Vernon Fenwick. Love the guy or hate him, you know what drives him. Anyone who points to the stuff he pulls off in this movie and goes no guy would do that! has never been a guy whos been as smitten with someone as he is with April. The problem being that April sees him as a mentor, inspiration (through stories), and colleague and nothing more. Aprils herself doesnt just walk around waiting to get kidnapped, hoping some guy will save her. Shes driven, shes focused, and gets a bit of tunnel-vision when shes doing that. The turtles themselves actually act like siblings. Their plans are stupid and half explained, because thats your brother youre talking to. They understand you, they get you, you only have to half ass explain it for them to get it, or at least grasp the concept enough to go Oh, well, here we go! Each turtle gets their moment to shine, Donatello even dropping the line of Let someone else be the bad ass for once (or something like that) before doing something thats frankly pretty bad ass. Now the bad. Oh dear god the plot holes. Ok so we lost the key piece of a big battle plan over a decade ago. So what do we do? Oh still fill a tower full of the chemical that can wipe out the city despite not having the cure, and being absolutely sure it was lost YEARS ago and is irreplaceable. But sure! Lets go through with the plan that is missing ITS MOST CRUCIAL COMPONENT. The plan itself! Poison the city and then cure it and be hailed as heroes! Pretty solid except youre doing it ridiculously visibly, so everyone is gonna know it was you who did it. Youre not gonna be a hero. At best youre gonna be a doctor who shot a bunch a bunch of people, then saved a few of them cause youre a doctor. Still not a hero. The cure! Makes you a super soldier. No seriously, the Turtles are bulletproof. This is the same crap they gave Captain America. The moment they bad guys realized they had that, had a whole VAT of it when they drained the turtles blood, and since their motivation was the return of the foot clan, why not take five of your best warriors, make THEM super soldiers, and just start hiring them out as super soldiers and rebuild yourselves that way? Prestige, honor, and respect with the injection of one vial of turtle blood. Hell, explain it to the turtles that way. Hi, were from a secret Ninja clan thats about to die out and wed like to run around the world being bad asses like you do in New York City, do you mind if we draw a little of your blood so we can do that? Sacks is offering a lifetime supply of pizza! Theyd have gone for it! Splinter might not have, but the TEENAGERS would have. The cure itself! Theyve got a big tank of turtle blood spun down to green ooze. You havent tested it, you dont know if itll work. Hell, maybe this was some other random experiment on turtles, or some other chemical they came into contact with in the last decade or more that influenced what youd already injected them with. Why not sort THAT part out instead of getting into a rush. And keep the turtles around. Theyll MAKE. MORE. BLOOD. You dont need to drain them. As long as you kept them fed and watered, you could keep draining them every now and again for YEARS. Splinter! Hes a total bad ass. I felt completely cheated in the original live action movie when you get to see Splinter finally throw down with Shredder and essentially trips the big bad over the side of a building. Getting to see him really throw down with Shredder was just awesome. Equally, it was a bit like seeing Yoda fight. Yeah you know its gonna be awesome, but once its seen... thats it. Worse, not only did he lose (and for good reason, he learned his moves out of a damned book with pictures, where as the Shredder has decades of experience) but Shredder didnt go oh wait, this guy obviously has the super soldier serum in his blood too. We should totally bring him. Nooo. He turned his back and just left Splinter there. They had FOUR cages and they lost Raphael. Why not say oh weve got four cages, might as well bring four prisoners that have EXACTLY what we need. Nope! Gotta leave him there. Why? Because the characters themselves didnt take this seriously. The city was in danger, and the turtles played buck buck. April had the only container of cure and didnt just run it to some place who could use it to cure everyone. Aprils boss gets handed a big story and... fires a prized on site reporter rather than explain that Aprils still missing pieces for the story to work. Sacks stops to shoot a gun in a lab filled with sensitive equipment while calling April cute and laughing at her Daddy issues. Because not a single character really took themselves seriously in this entire thing, while the movie itself tried to get us, the audience, to take it seriously by constantly trying to explain EVERYTHING about why this world is the way it is. My end feeling on this whole thing? A waist of time, resources, and Ill say it, talent. You can see that the majority of the people that worked on this really had some skills. The writing was pretty solid (just flipped about what made TMNT actually fun to watch and be part of), the directing wasnt difficult to watch. The editing kept the pacing good. The special effects... well lets just say I spent the first five minutes just sort of glaring at the turtles before I realized, these arent meant to be six foot talking turtles, theyre six foot, anthropomorphic MUTANTS that came from what was originally four turtles. Of course they dont look like turtles. Again, the movie trying to take itself seriously is more the problem than the characters actual design. There was talent here. It was just... wasted. How would I have written it better? One, stick with what you lead with. If you lead with the villains being deep, have them grow in the story. Ive mentioned the plot holes that need patching. What I think I would have done is had the story stay pretty true up to the point where Sacks realizes the Turtles are still alive, and the cure didnt just cure them, but made them super turtles. He turns to April, the daughter of his once partner, and keeping it tucked away that it was him who killed her father, explains the whole thing. That hes aware of a chemical that could destroy the city, that he even has some of it, and hed really like to both have a cure, and also have a marketable super soldier serum. Hell, maybe not even go that far. April, the cure for cancer! Lets hop in my limo, find the turtles, and cure AIDS! Id drop Whoopi Goldbergs character completely (Shes great in the part but honestly that entire plot thread has no business being part of what has essentially become a sci-fi story at this point). Id have Shredder get his armor and be there to make sure the crazed mutants who grew up in a sewer dont attack anybody, since lets be honest, hes about the only one who could (and did) go toe to toe with the turtles. April, being the nosy reporter she is, snoops around puts together what really happened to her dad. Sacks panics, but Shredder yanks her aside and explains everything. The fall and rise of the foot clan, how her dads genius and sacrifice was honorable and as a ninja he acknowledges that and intends to make the world a better place through her dads invention. April says ok, but then promptly runs to the turtles anyway and explains it in a way teenagers will get. Were working for the bad guys, they killed my dad! Thats all the boys in green need to hear. They face down against Shredder and perhaps two other ninjas (whom have been injected with the prototype mutagen derived from their blood,) and all but lose until Splinter throws in. Him and Shredder duke it out while the Turtles face Bebop and Rocksteady (cause you know thats who they are, even if theyre never named). Turtles win, and while Shredder and Splinter are evenly matched, Shredder knows going against all five just wont work. He grabs April and threatens to use the last vial of... not ooze! But the poison/virus stuff. Theyd gotten rid of it when they realized the plan wouldnt work (not that theyd had a ton of it to start with). Shredder escapes, and Sacks has long since fled the country. The foot clan vanish and six months later, April is watching a video and realizes thats four foot soldiers, with the super soldier serum in their veins, guarding some warlord, or president or something. Meanwhile, the turtles protect New York City and continue their training, all the while knowing that a reckoning is coming. PS: The final scene with the turtle van? Please tell me that was just some product placement for the inevitable turtle van toy? Otherwise, that was unnecessary and any respect Ive shown the staff and crew in this writers review are completely gone. If you enjoyed this review, and would like to read more such things, or if youd just like to see what Im working on lately, check out my blog at DeftlyExecuted
Posted on: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 21:38:21 +0000
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