So, I dont know anything about football. Nothing. I know a guy catches a ball, other guys try to hit the guy with the ball as hard as they possibly can, while other guys try to prevent those guys from hitting the guy with the ball, and if he runs far enough, he does a dance. I basically have the same education of football as Forrest Gump did when he played. In Oklahoma, youre likely to be tarred, feathered, drawn, and quartered if people found that out about you. People treat football in Oklahoma like they treat their mom if she had cancer. VERY, VERY seriously. In the town where I live, there is a guy who has the OU college logo tattooed on the back of his goddamn head like Bam Bam Bigelow. I know other people have seen this man. My step-father told me when he worked for Hooters that one of his regulars named their son Boomer Sooner, which if you dont know, is like OUs battle cry. Damn, if that isnt the biggest pressure a parent has ever put on a kid. I sure hope that kid isnt gay, or at least hes gay but also grows up to love football. And by the way, what kind of battle cry is Boomer Sooner!? To me it sounds like were saying to the other team Soon... theres going to be boom boom. I think OU fans hate OSU fans, and vice-versa, but dammit THEY BOTH hate Texas. I think its the OU Sooners, the OSU Oranges, and the Texas Upside-down Bullhorns. Im honestly not sure what the hell their team names are. One time when I was bar tending at A&E Grill, theres this guy that always came in and requested to put the TVs on football games if they werent already on. So to make conversation with someone who I know nothing about (and to try to get a tip from his football-loving hands), I said Did you see that game last night? My plan was to completely bullshit my way through the conversation because I heard other co-workers talking about a game. The guy responds What game?, I say The football game. He goes, There was no game last night. I say, ...Are you surrrrrrre? He promptly gave me the this-guys-a-moron look before slowly grabbing his beer and looking back up at the TV and ignoring my question. I deserved it. I acted like a tool. Recently one of my friends suggested that our group of friends should start a fantasy football league, which would be like me telling those same friends Hey, lets all start a wrestling federation! They would all pick Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and Hulk Hogan (all of which are retired). Me playing fantasy football, my picks would be similar, probably along the lines of Deon Sanders, Wayne Gretsky, Larry Bird, the kid from the movie Rudy, the big black guy in Blind Side, Cuba Gooding Jr., and the Baltimore Colts. However, with all that being said, I love that TV show The League. And if being in a fantasy football league with my friends will provide wacky adventures for me and my friends all while giving me an education in football, Im all about it. Ive spent most of my morning researching top draft picks, why their top draft picks, what strategies you should try, and studying the rules of Fantasy Football. Ive also realized that Fantasy Football is just a jocked-up more-testosterone Mountain-Dew-for-blood version of Magic: The Gathering, but with chicks. Or at least good-looking chicks. My favorite part about Fantasy Football is creating your own team name. Some Ive been tossing around in my head are The Oklahoma What-The-Hell-Is-A-Sooner Sooners. The Public Pubes. Or something really intimidating like The Velvet Dandies, or the Milk Lumps, or The Yoga Pants. The Black Molds (that one could come across as racist). I dunno. Maybe Im not that creative with it. My team name might just be Guys-Hitting-Guys-With-Other-Guys-And-Theres-A-Ball-Involved. Either which way, Im excited! Just wait until my team steps onto the field and starts sinking threes. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
Posted on: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 21:06:56 +0000
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