So, I have been struggling the last few days, well, honestly last few weeks I have been fighting it. Sunday I had a major melt down. I felt it coming but have not had one that bad in a while. It is the holidays away from family an being homeless. It is actually, Christmas, I made it through Thanksgiving with fewer tears, they were there..just more tolerable. These, these tears keep leaking from my eyes straight from my heart and I hate when I have these kind. These kind I feel come from my soul, the deepest source of pain for me personally that can exist. They just start falling from my eyes, I could be anywhere..they just start dropping like my heart is crying and the rest of me is not going to get in its way of expressing itself for one more second, that rebellious heart of mine fighting the rest of my trying to balance. I can hear myself cry in my head but if I dared to let the sound out it would have to be such an intolerable sound. My chest is tight like the pain wants to escape but it is trapped so it leaks out of my eyes. I want my children and my grandchildren. My baby girl, I have prayed and prayed to be able to give her back some of her stolen childhood, year after year, I pray for no more stalking, no more murder please God, put them away. She wants a Christmas tree and each year we have done without gifts, we are not materialistic like that so not having gifts is accepted. She asks for NOTHING but paper and pencils so she can draw, and a tree..she LOVES Christmas trees. Each year, as long as we have cookies to bake. some music and a tree this child is joyful. It is truly amazing. Crying as I type because some things just hit your heart. When we were leaving our home, I could not get everything..I got to such a point of brokenness that I could not do anymore. We had a suitcase in the car, what we could take and no idea where we were going. What did she do? I am driving down the street at a pure loss. She grabbed a handful of Christmas ornaments that were baby ones and said Look Mom, I could not leave these. We are ok, in a hotel, VERY blessed by someones generosity. It is temporary, day to day, week to week we have been very blessed to have had a place to stay and food, even more than we need sometimes. Homelessness looms daily, no security, there is fear. We try to focus on each day and the blessings. Grateful to have each other. Of course, after being in the same home and church over 20 years, we miss home. Of course, we want to live and prosper again in lieu of surviving after what we have seen we know the difference. We are grateful to have survived these tragedies. We are grateful for the abundant blessings along the way. While I was up at 4 a.m., tears in bed again, I finally got up..read a few bible studies and listened to one of my favorite songs..I realized that I am allowing myself to be distracted by the holiday and I need to keep my focus, on God. That helps. As a Mother, I cannot help but hurt wanting to give my daughter a tree..it would be a bit difficult to move it around with us.. I want my family together. I can only do so much with nothing..but I am trying. I must move beyond the hurt to accomplish anything. It just seems that no matter what I try I cannot get around and away from this trauma, (mostly because the predators are still there and active..they have been permitted to destroy what we knew as life. We hang onto every possible thread of it that we can. Keeping our eyes and hearts fixed on God is our salvation..I wanted to share this today, because I got a very strong message that might also help some one else. I have been through 8 solid years of hell and trauma. Unless something changes we are going into the 9th in 2015. When your safety and lives depend on others doing their jobs and they do not take action, you have no control. It would be so nice if I could say, OK, this is it, I am going to overcome these stalkers and trauma for the new year. Does not work that way, they continue to terrorize and get away with it, no matter what I do, unless law enforcement or government wants to take action, NOTHING will change. It has nothing to do with my attitude or my faith, it is out of my hands, certainly not my fault and the authority and power over my life was handed to others and they choose to allow this so, I pray. God knows all of it.. So my message that I received was this, focus on God, on Jesus, NOT the holiday..the profound miracle of life and salvation. Everyday I live with all of these other issues, every single day... they are magnified by the holidays but I hurt everyday and I cannot allow the holiday to magnify my hurt. I will not allow that distraction to take over..I am going to listen to this song and a few others that always take me to a special place with God and I am going to stand up to this pain or I am going to just cry through it and HE will meet me there..HE always does. This song I love, I hope this helps anyone that may need to hear it.. stay strong, stand on faith, pray..it works. For me, it was the one guarantee I can count on, the only one. Hug your family and when you are around that tree.. say a prayer for us please.. for my baby girl, that our situation changes, IMPROVES, that doors will open to the future...thank you, Love Kel
Posted on: Wed, 17 Dec 2014 11:51:09 +0000
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