So I have spent the last few hours crying for a man I can honestly say I dont know anything about. This man I met face to face for the first time 6 years ago when I drove halfway across the country. I was always curious about who and what he was. See this man is in my DNA and although he was in my life until I was 4 I had no real memories. Him and my mother had divorced when I was young and we never saw him again. I knew little facts like he lived inTulsa, OK, He worked for the state highway department, he lived in the same house we had lived in, but not much more. There were no pictures... no face to put with the name. I recieved a letter from him on my 18th birthday blaming my mom for his absence... My response was simple... Please dont talk bad about my mom because she was the one there, and if you would like a relationship lets just start from now. He never really jumped at that chance and so by the time I was 32 and had been through a rough divorce myself, I took it upon myself to put a face to this name. I drove to his house...Knocked on his door and took him to dinner. We talked, he appoligised, told stories, and filled me in on a few details of his life. I wish I could say that was the start of a renewed relationship but it wasnt. See I needed a face... he needed forgiveness... we both didnt see the big picture. I had a seperate life... he carried the shame of not being there... So I can honestly say we have spoke less then 10 times over the last ten years. Neither of us made a real effort. So today while at work I was visited by a friend on the police force... He had came to ask me if I knew a Keneth D. McNiel. He didnt know his relation to me only that the Tulsa Oklahoma police department had me listed as next of kin and that I lived in Los Alamos. I told him yes he is my Father. He looked sad and said I am sorry bro but he was found dead in his home this morning. I was in shock...numb... since then I have cried... felt stupid for crying for a man I barely knew... cried some more... and now am writing a very long story that carries a very simple point. Look at the big picture...fix hurt but build relationships... dont just seek a face... be a face... Dad I know you carried a lot of hurt and regret. I know that there are no second chances in life. I know wishes only come true with actions. I know you feel like you failed at fatherhood. But you suceeded. See I have always said to my boys you dont become a success at something without failures. I have always said I tell you of my failures so you learn from my mistakes. When I read your letter at 18 I felt the pain you carried and I vowed to always be the rock for my sons. When I hit a very tough crossroad in my life I met you face to face and saw the pain you carried. Today when I talked to your caretaker and told her I would be out to oklahoma soon and she told me to prepare myself because your garage is full of all of mine, my brother, sister, and moms belongings left behind from an ugly divorce and how you couldnt get rid of it over the last 34 years because of the pain you carried. It reminds me to always be a rock to those boys. Always repair broken bridges and most of all love unconditionally even when there isnt someone loving back. Thank you! I love you and am sorry I didnt learn this lesson sooner. RIP Dad! I will see you again soon!
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 03:08:51 +0000
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