So I learned another valuable life lesson tonight. You see, I was conducting a ghost tour that began at 9:30pm and we were on our second stop when the realization hit me that I had made a very poor decision prior to starting the tour. Somewhere around 8pm I got a bit hungry (normally I wait till after the tour to eat at my favorite place...Whataburger) and I decided to have something to munch on. The only thing I had in the pantry that was quick was a can of vienna sausages. So I popped the top, drained them off and ate them with a few slices of bread...then ran out the door to begin my tour. All was well through my first stop and I was more than halfway through my second when I felt that dreaded rumbly in my tumbly. It came upon my so quickly that I had no time to prepare myself. What I mean to say is that I was concentrating on giving the absolute best tour that I could and was completely focused on that to the point that when the feeling hit me, I didnt have time to tighten my sphincter before I let out a loud burst of gas. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me as if I had just beaten a baby seal to death before their eyes and I was never so glad it was dark out so they couldnt see how red my face got. Thinking quickly, I said: Wow! Did you hear that? It sounded like some kind of growl coming from the window behind me! Luckily, everyone seemed to accept this as fact and immediately went over to the window to investigate. I kept to the rear of the group while they were excitedly looking for the cause of the mysterious growl and tried to more quietly expel the last of the gas from my body. I did manage to succeed in tuning the volume down a notch but nothing could prepare us all for the smell. One little girl, who couldnt have been more than 14 years old, suddenly looked up, sniffed the air, wrinkled her nose and made a horrible face. Realizing what was coming I jumped in and said: Yeah...I smell that too. Its a little known fact that when spirits are annoyed they send poopy smells at you...so this one must be very, very annoyed with us...we should probably move on. Luckily I finished getting my lame explanation out before anyone else realized how bad the smell really was and we all walked away with tears in our eyes and hands over our noses. I managed to keep a tight grip on things through the rest of that stop, but by the time we got to the one after that, I knew I was in trouble. I knew if I didnt let my inner demons out soon, we would all be haunted by them for a long time. The problem with being on a ghost tour when this sort of thing happens is that no one wants to get too far away from you because they look to you for guidance and safety and these guys were stuck to me like glue. At the crucial moment when I thought I was just going to have to bite the bullet and send these people into a green gas cloud they might never recover from, an idea hit me. I told them that sometimes spirits react to noise and we should all make some. So there we were in an old warehouse banging metal and stomping and hooting and hollering and with every clang of noise, i expelled more gas. When I finally felt I was in control again, i told them we should stop because it didnt seem to be working. Thats when the young girl proclaimed loudly: What are you talking about? Judging by the horrible smell in here it must be working! We have a very, very, very, very annoyed spirit! I could do no more than agree with her at that point and bang a few more things together in support. Finally, when we were tired, we headed back to the van and I was worried I would be called out about my charade. Funny enough, they were all chattering away about the smells of annoyed spirits and how amazing the tour was and how they couldnt wait to get back home to Austin and tell their friends. And when I dropped them back off at their vehicles, they even tipped me. So, ladies and gentlemen, if you suddenly start hearing of annoyed spirits that smell poopy...well you know where it came from. I apologize now for that...but I must say, I never in my life, thought I would get tipped for farting. I guess its all in how you spin it...
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 09:31:42 +0000
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