So, I should be memorizing some stuff for work and I can’t do it at the moment and it’s getting near bedtime anyway. No worries. I spent a good 8 to 9 hours working on the memorization. I guarantee it’s in my head. Shooting it out of my mouth is another story. I will be switching up my method tomorrow to see what results I get. Hmmmmm. I’ve had to distance myself a little from the political commentary because, well besides the fact that it’s now my line of work, there’s something deep going on inside me. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone, the feeling, that is, and it’s one from the core. But there is a shift inside of me that has me teetering on this side of fear but the same weight of confidence and assuredness is drawing me back a little stronger. It’s not balanced at all but it’s encompassing me. It’s a strange feeling. I sort of felt like this when I left my job previous to the last but I carried it with me through the end of the job I just left too, it didnt settle; and now it’s stronger on the end of confidence but I keep getting pulled back. So maybe the back and forth is starting to slow like the end of a pendulum. But what happens when I hit center? There’s a sense of a connection I am going to have someone very soon, perhaps. Not necessarily the love of my life but someone is going to be sparking something in me and my life is going to change even more dramatically, but in a good way. Odd. I even had someone else tell me that I would around the same time it was building up inside me. And I knew it then, just not as strong. I looked at her and my eyes must have looked surprised because she was so right! When I bared a lot of my soul the other day, I felt a release and I think that is part of it. It was like I needed to get that off my shoulders now that I have started a new career in an area that holds the passion I have for seeing a better world; which begins with freedom and peace through education and connection. Not all of my wording on that piece was true, there was some embellishment for the sake of writing but there was some definite truth to it too. (I always have truth in my writing, even in the silly things.) I needed to release that to universe to take care of because it’s been sitting in my heart and my soul for too long. Even thinking about it makes me a little sad but that’s because I let it go. That was one of those that I became friends with so letting it out was like a departure. I hate “good-byes” even with things that hold me back. It held my comfort because it was what I knew had to be true for if I let it out of my life, I am left vulnerable to the effects of why I held it so close. In some ways it has opened some scars that I thought were healed but I can deal with that. I am stronger by it. I hope. I can’t help but think that there are many people who feel a similar way. They know they hold onto something because it’s a source of comfort even if it leaves you terrified to let it out and you know it’s really bad for you. I did that with my drinking. It was horrible for me, I knew that. I am not dumb. The entire time, every night or day that I drank, every time I stopped at the liquor store, I knew I was making my life worse but I held onto it because I was afraid. It had a sense of perverted comfort to it. I see perverted comforts in everyone; even those that have a more solid ground than I have. Family, friends, coworkers, it doesn’t matter, y’all have them. I just don’t think most can come to terms with them. The perverted mental comforts are those we hold onto to mask any kind of fear. At least from my vantage point, anyway. When I was in rehab, I didn’t learn much from the program itself. In fact, they kind of f***** up my treatment. Between my counselor, my chaplain, and the family week, it was kind of a joke. But honestly, I learned more from observing and interacting with the people there. So in some ways, the self-treatment I got was good if not the best thing for me. You can learn a lot from those that have gone down the road of being a drunk, stoned on prescriptions, some both, one cocaine and many there unwillingly…the fascinating thing really, was the level of all sorts of emotions and each had a perverted comfort that was the same as mine or similar. I recognize it in others because of that experience. I could see them holding onto their perverted comforts for it was so true for me as well and I had to sever that grip on it. I severed it 4 days before rehab. I went in dry and willing, yet reluctant at the same time. Some I know ended up back in rehab, some are still out there needing it again, I had a feeling they would, and sadly one took her own life about a month after she was released from care. In retrospect, the perverted comforts I saw in her was much, much deeper than most people. But I didn’t recognize that until later. Her suicide impacted my life quite greatly and perhaps one of the reasons that I never went back. I could never take comfort in going back to where I was because my wounds and heavy emotional pain needed to be dealt with and I wanted to see what this life had to offer me beyond the sobriety. If I went back, it was slow suicide or I would have ended up like her. Thats a fact. I wasnt going to do that to ME. I felt a bit detached from most of them because I knew once I went back out the door, my life would never be about being drunk again. I made a commitment to myself, the first one ever that was worth a damn. That swung my pendulum pretty wildly for a while but in a good way. I’m beginning to see more good than bad and a lot of that is my personal growth since. I still have a lot to work on but we are always a remodeling project. Since that time, I have begun to let go of some of my perverted comforts. Some of them are normal comforts for other people, for me, they were not comfort. Some are so insignificant, they only matter to me. That pendulum is going to come to a stand still for a moment and then I think it’s going to swing again but in different areas of my life and a new exciting pattern in the sand will come about. Now that I have shed the comfort of one industry for the good sort of discomfort of my life passion, I think that will settle relatively soon. There’s another object on the not-so-distant horizon, it’s good and it’s human. That much I know. Who knows if the silhouette has many silhouettes behind it but there is at least one. I feel like quoting Jack Skellington’s words when he was in up the lab trying to do science experiments to the Christmas trinkets and such, “What does it mean? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” because I find I am saying that a lot lately. I am okay with that. It’s part of the growth process because I want to know instead of hiding behind the tree, feeling afraid. Thats not me as much anymore. By the way, I am sure there are some people that roll their eyes when they see words like this. You’re under no obligation to read, to comment if you read, or anything. Writing is my therapy along with music and my sanctuary of home. As I grow beyond where I am and where I once was, there’s a part of me that hopes to inspire something inside each of us to look at what is at the core. I don’t expect an explosion of emotion vomiting out of everyone’s Facebook page but through my twisted need to release, perhaps intimate things most people don’t discuss so publicly, it will help people will turn inward a bit and examine things they may not have otherwise considered. My sobriety has been the best thing to happen in my life. If I can share my growth and it helps one person think about something such as drinking as a problem they can overcome, it is one person that can hopefully make it through. See that the pain is real but it is pain that can be overcome. We think we know it all. I was like that too. You simply don’t. It’s impossible because you only know it from your current perspective. The world changes but will you change with it or will you hold on to your perverted comforts whatever they are? ;-) Good night, peaceful dreams, and LIVE FREE!!! youtu.be/8Z4R9PB3YhA
Posted on: Thu, 08 Jan 2015 04:43:32 +0000
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