So Im really truly struggling right now, and even that makes me feel guilty. Some of my friends are dealing with failing bodies and medical crises; others are handling the ordeals of their failing parents. Some are unemployed, some are sick. I have always tried to be there for others, despite my own problems. For me, I have endured a complete year of unending stress - both financially, emotionally, and psychically. 11 months ago I returned home from Christmas - difficult already - to no heating oil, no cable/internet, and a dead car. I changed jobs where the grass was as equally as brown on each side of the fence. I suffered 4 months of near zero income which devastated my credit and finances. Refinanced to save my house, refinanced to save my car, made arrangements with some creditors to try to preserve something of my credit. Failed relationship ZERO social contact. Watched my own parents suffer. Child not contributing. Depression mounting. Intense loneliness. Stress and anger rising as if there was any place for it to rise to. No help in sight, and even if there was, Im not sure what anyone could do. Homesick and alone. If it were not for my sister, brother in law, and nephew, Id be home alone wondering about what to do next. The vision was not a pretty sight, so I made sure to not be alone this weekend. Its not like nothing good happened this year. There were several bright spots in the year, but overall, it has been an emotional, financial, and employment disaster. I dont know where to turn; not even sure that there is anywhere to turn. I am running out of what has historically been an unlimited optimism and energy. I have no one to turn to, and even if I did, I am embarrassed to ask for help. Im truly having trouble caring about anything at this point. And now I get to deal with a thankless and further traumatizing Christmas. Ill be returning to CT to more of the same. No money, no fuel, no optimism, few non-toxic relationships, and little, if any hope. I am at the lowest point that I can remember being, ever. I am almost completely alone and despondent. This year, I have almost nothing to be thankful for, except for a few tiny fading lights of my dying dreams. Thanksgiving was nice with my sister and her family, but really, I cant take much more. My will is running on fumes. Thanks for listening...
Posted on: Fri, 28 Nov 2014 20:54:18 +0000
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