So I’m not usually as open as I’m about to be but in light of recent events and some really insensitive or just plain careless things I heard, I just wanted to put this out there. I know that not everyone will read this but if it gets just one person to think about what they say to people, then I’ve done my job. So starting from the beginning, I can’t remember there being a time where I didn’t suffer from extreme anxiety. The first cases that I can remember most clearly are when I started school (even though I can vaguely remember having issues before then), where I was to scared to ask to go to the bathroom. To the point that I would rather wet myself (gross and embarrassing I know) and try and leave after everyone else so they wouldn’t know. My anxiety later triggered bouts of depression. Not your normal sadness that you usually feel but swirling vortexes of seemingly endless hopelessness and despair. The first time I tried to take my own life was in the midst of one of these bouts. I was 14 and, without going into extensive detail, I was not in a good place. But on the outside you wouldn’t of guessed. I kept my grades up and kept up appearances. Just your average teenager. But the inner turmoil was eating me alive. That first time was a very irrational and juvenile attempt. I took a whole packet of panadol and hoped for the best. The only thing it did was make me very ill and I was glad that there were no other signs of what I had done. But it didn’t really help the problem and the only one that knew there was something wrong was me and my book of poetry. Keeping everything locked up inside spilled into me trying to relieve that pain and/or numbness through self-harm. My next planned attempt a few years ago was much more calculated. I had been seeing the dr about my depression/anxiety and was on medication, which wasn’t working and in fact making things much worse. So in my mind I was unhelpable. I began to research exactly how much of the medication I was on I needed for a fatal dose. I started stockpiling month after month. When I had enough I waited another month to get more so I well and truly would do the job well. When I went in to the pharmacy that last time I saw something that triggered something in me that stopped me from getting that last prescription. I went home and cried and threw out all the pills. I swore to myself that day that I would never do it again. But it seems like I just couldn’t keep that promise. This is probably the hardest part to write as well. April 1st, 2014 – The day that I was probably the closest I’ve ever been to death. After again months of putting on a show of being fine but secretly stockpiling again, I had subtly said my goodbyes to my loved ones. They didn’t know it at the time and each one was individual to that persons needs. Then I waited until I was alone and pressed out each individual tablet into a pile. I did this for half of what I had got a bottle of water and took them all in one go. Things go a bit vague for me after that but for some reason I didn’t take the second half of the tablets. The ones I did take though were enough for me to be hospitalized for 4 days and to loose a whole week of my life. The whole week from that day is nothing but black. Now I’m not writing this for sympathy. I don’t want any of that. It wasn’t always like this. My life hasn’t been horrible to any extent. I have great family and friends. But it has been tough internally. With the anxiety and depression I have been my own worst enemy. So why I wrote this was because of things I’ve heard people say. Things like “oh this homework is so hard, I’m just going to kill myself” or “this headache is so bad I just want to die” or even “he’s seemed so happy, he always had a smile on his face, he cant of been depressed”. I’m guessing that what I’ve said has shocked a few of you that have read this far and wouldn’t have guessed any of this about me. Looks are deceiving. Someone that is all smiles and jokes on the outside could be the most broken on the inside. You just never know and what you say can either help someone or be detrimental to him or her. With World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day coming up I just wanted to share and let people know they are not alone and if you can then do one of the WSPAD walks outoftheshadows.org.au/Find/find-a-walk and if not just be aware of the things you say. Thanks guys and much love xx
Posted on: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 05:43:52 +0000
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