So, I’ve heard that, apparently, someone wants me to be a bit more ‘dominant’ in my personality… Yeah… No, you don’t. You really don’t want me to be the asshole I could be. I’ve heard it’s a problem when I say “I don’t care” or “Doesn’t matter to me”, when I am quite literally saying exactly what I mean. Food wise, it really doesn’t. People know what I will & won’t eat. This comes along with the fact that my tastes are well outside of any budget that is available. So what if I want a 16oz Ribeye that has been soaked in seasoning for the last 12 hours, so much that the steak drips when it’s dropped in the pan or on a grill, seared perfectly so that it browns on the outside while retaining a strip of red through the center, and has herbs & spices cooked onto the top of it so that it burns a little bit with spiciness as the sweat flavor of it crawls down your throat. A grilled potato that is still in tinfoil wrap, with enough butter soaked into it that it feels like a heart attack waiting to happen as you eat it. Maybe it is a sweet honey baked ham with a perfect glaze, and spicy Dijon mustard for a diping sauce, along with still hot cornbread that melts as it touches your tongue, and a side of fruit including kiwi, pears, peaches, and grapes. Then there is always freshly made sashimi, or spicy Mongolian beef, General Tso’s Chicken, Pork fried rice, and egg rolls. But none of these things are within budget, so it really comes down to “I don’t care what we have to eat, because I know we can’t afford what we want,” or “It doesn’t matter to me what we have, because I know that I can’t get what I want.” So, it comes out as “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter to me,” instead of rattling off the full diatribe or stating something I know I can’t get. When it comes to what we do as a whole, there are things which are well outside of my comfort zone; those things, if brought up, will be very vehemently & zealously argued against – to the point of me walking out. Otherwise it is more the social aspect in being around other people, which is what is important to me. I get so little real social contact, that even the sham of social contact with a group of people - of which some, many, or most may ‘look down on’ me – is appealing to some minor degree. This though, brings me to the point that I started off towards. Why the hell do people, even remotely, feel the need to try to influence my life in a way that they see as benefiting to me, when in reality they are merely attempting to make me carbon copies of the pain in the ass, manipulative, conniving, assholes of society that they are? I’m more willing to put them back into the hospital & do the 30 days to 2 years in jail, for putting them into the hospital - where they belong – if they push it too far. I have someone, a couple people actually, that I talk to whom I trust very much thank to the fact that they admitted to me their opinion of me. That they only call when they need someone to talk to; they really don’t care that much for what is going on with me. They just don’t want to walk, or stand outside smoking, in silence. That they need someone to complain about things to, who will understand to some degree what they are talking about. I respect the few who have said these things to me. They are not trying to manipulate me, or they may be but they are doing so to admittedly get what they want and it’s an understood arrangement between us that we will use each other where we can.
Posted on: Sat, 07 Sep 2013 09:14:59 +0000
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