So a few of you have noticed my links to articles about Robin Williams in the wake of his tragic passing on Monday. I use the word tragic, but really isnt that every death to someone? I suppose his has hit particularly hard for me, both as an avid devourer of pop culture (for every role he took in films like License to Wed or Jack, there was always the unmatchable wit he brought to The Fisher King or Death to Smoochy or Hamlet or The Birdcage waiting for us) and as someone who is similarly afflicted with severe depression. It hurts to lose a person like that. A funny guy. A funny guy who was in pain. And he was bravely open about his pain until the day he died, and it still wasnt enough to save him from himself. Well, starting right now, Im going to try to be a little more open. Ive been diagnosed with depression since the winter of 2010, but I think Ive always known I had it. I spent years of my childhood being especially sensitive and crying a lot and never really knowing why. For the past 12 months its caused me to hit my roughest, lowest points. I moved away for the first time in August and ended up costing myself and my family a lot of money. My cat, my oldest friend, had to be put down in September while I was far away. I started attending a major university for the first time in January as most of my friends were getting ready to graduate. My uncle died and my parents marriage died within days of each other the week before finals, and managing all of these things at once caused me to end up on academic probation at the end of the semester. I had a nervous breakdown at the end of the school year and moved back to Lubbock. And there was a girl. If you know the story, youve heard it a million times by now. But if you dont, know that I did a lot of things I shouldnt have to keep her happy and those things directly or indirectly soiled a lot of relationships Ive held with other people Ive known for years. And six weeks ago, she broke it off with me when I had felt safe and understood with her. So two weeks ago to the day yesterday, I went out, got really messed up, came home and tried to kill myself for the fourth time since I turned 18. Thankfully, because of a few people who picked up their phones that morning (I still dont remember making a lot of those calls), Im alive. Ive got another chance at life. To everyone thats been there for me in the past year Im grateful beyond words. Im sorry to have let you down lately. Im trying to improve my life by not being so foolish with it any more. But nobody gets better from a chronic mental illness, especially not over the course of two weeks. I and others like me are always going to struggle with depression, and all a person can really do if there is continue to be there and communicate with one another. Ill be the first one to admit that Im not an easy person to keep around because of that. If youre hurt, get some help. Suicide is a short term solution to a long term problem. People care about you, damn it, and they hurt when you hurt. It isnt your fault youre suffering and you should never, ever feel like this thing you didnt ask to be born with is something that will define you. So yeah, in closing, I wish it didnt take tragedy boiling over to talk about these issues. But if were not talking about caring for those who need help maintaining stable mental health, we, as a society and individuals, are not getting any better.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 19:45:09 +0000
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