So before I move onto the really meaning ful activities of the evening (namely dishes, hanging laundry, and the budget), Id like to delve into yet another one of my theological diatribes... I have struggled lately with understanding how my faith/belief in God works into my daily existence. I spend nearly all day every day with small children (which is draining and discouraging at times), discussing terribly important matters like making sure the pee gets into the potty, making sure dirty clothes get put into the hamper, and making sure no one has baby brother in a head lock... There have been times when I look at my day or my string of many days and wonder what the heck its all for, and wonder where the Laura who played violin, dabbled on piano and guitar, created blossoming sculptures in figure drawing class, threw pots/cups/bowls by the dozens in ceramics, and was a budding portrait artist disappeared to? And what the heck was the point to all that activity when its absolutely gone, now? And at times I would get very frustrated, wondering all the hows and whys of Gods purpose in me at this point in my life, (and for many years ahead), not doing ANYTHING of what I felt myself to be or to love... (dont get me wrong, I LOVE my babies, its just a different type of love compared to the type of gratification you feel when you complete something you are inspired by doing). Anyway, the other day on my way to the OB/GYN office for my checkup, I was all alone and began to pray and ask God about some of these big questions... How to deal with the overwhelming discontent that at times eats away at my soul, or the feelings of failure nearly every day, always feeling like I didnt do enough, be enough, etc... And at times struggling with where to find the energy or desire to follow through with my responsibilities when I had NO desire to do so... And the more things would get behind and pile up, the less I felt motivated to tackle them(just wanted to quit!)... All the while, knowing, somehow, that my attitudes and behavior were NOT lining up to what I know a Christian should believe and do... No thankfulness, no joy, no peace etc... As I pondered these things, I really think that God put a degree of understanding in my heart about all of it... Ultimately, I think from many many angles, we are lied to. Our unbiblical culture points to self-actualization and self-fulfillment and sources of contentment and peace and happiness. The culture tells us to follow our hearts, persue hobbies that we are passionate about, volunteer for a good cause and all these things will fill us and make us content with who we are... Jobs we dislike are called dead-end, and household and family care is called drudgery... And because our emotions are sooo connected to our flesh, all this can FEEL true and right... and we soon begin to feel as though we have a right to be discontent and have a right to complain, and have a right to want to persue other things beyond our immediate responsibilities, in the hopes that we will become fulfilled and happy. But to the Christian, who has been brought to life by Jesus Christ, and pulled out of the pit of our sin, all this advice is truly heresy. One main doctrinal belief in Scripture is the idea of being bought back or redeemed. As such, we are no longer our own master. However, if we hold on to elements of the above belief system and try to find that all-elusive self-fulfillment are we not just trying to be our own masters once again? For all of Gods love for us, He doesnt OWE anything TO us, does He? After all, our very salvation was given, not due to our own ability to deserve it, but because of the goodness of the Giver? Any righteousness we have is imputed to us by the Righteous One... Any value we have isnt inherent but reflected by and given by the truly Valuable One... God doesnt owe us a life of self-fulfillment... though it can be easy to assume that because He tells us He loves us, that our happiness must be His goal, and what better way for us to be happy than to bring our dreams to pass, to provide the way we think He should, and so on... Ultimately, its a bad combination of thinking that our salvation starts our walk with God, to which He should add all the things we think He should... when in reality, our salvation is ALREADY more than we deserve... What I think often happens in the life of a Christian, is that we hear and buy into the lies of the culture without even realizing it. We all have hopes, dreams, talents, plans etc that we either are trying to work toward OR hope that God leads us to, believing (erroneously at times) that those plans are what will ultimately lead us to contentment and happiness and fulfillment. When life happens and finances are tight (for decades!), jobs are lost, plans are ruined, and our hopes and ambitions seem a thousand miles away, we wonder and question Gods love for us, we doubt His Hand is holding us, and we look around us, feeling disillusioned about our faith, what it is for and how it is to be lived out. This is a hard concept to understand, and it has taken me many months of wrestling with it to accept it, but I think I am starting to realize that Gods love for us doesnt equal fulfilment in the flesh (necessarily). Yes, He loves us! And His ultimate display of that love is that He made a provision for us to be saved in eternity, when this life is done. He also allows us to be called His sons and to be co-heirs with Christ. But while on this earth, we will face disappointments, heartaches, troubles, trials, and dirty dishes! We will be asked to die to self, whether we will take up the cross and follow Him (even through the valley of the shadow of dirty cloth diapers for years and years!)... And often the hardest sacrifices to make are the daily little ones that happen over and over and over again our whole lives long. But all this is a mist... and we must keep our eyes on the horizon of eternity, for our reward is NOT this life or what we receive here at all, but what He has promised us. However, realizing that I had bought into the lie that God owed me more than He has already given me (because I wasnt happy)has started to change my perspective. Certainly, God CAN bless us in ways that bring us joy. He CAN bless us with material things, children, family, human love and relationships and so on. And many of those things He has blessed me with... But He doesnt OWE them to me. I must receive all (good and hard) from His hand, trusting Him, believing Him, knowing that one day He will bring me to Him and hopefully tell me, Well done, good and faithful servant, and THAT, my friends is the point of all life, and what makes anything in this life worth living.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 02:18:54 +0000
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