So far I dont regret sharing my out there post. Im fascinated, honored, and moved by all the responses. This has been kinda therapeutic for me actually. I do have to say though, no matter how many times in my life Ive tried to communicate what happens to me, I never seem to accurately communicate the experience adequately. Ill often use art (films, music, comics) to help define the feeling. Ill do that a little bit in here I think. First off, I want to clarify that it isnt depression. Ive been depressed. In my teens my Pop even had me put away for a few weeks. I dont think Ive ever shared that publicly before. But after a few decades of good behavior Im now just confident enough to share some things Id previously not want anyone to know…and not be too concerned of harsh judgement. Being raised by a shrink Ive been made aware of mental illness my entire life and am even open to the idea that my existential attacks/visions could be a kind of mental illness. Im also still open to the idea that it could be the Universe/God directing me. Id like to think that we are all inspired, but we have to be clear in the head (not easy these days). In short, I have a very very open mind. I cant expect to know truth when it sneaks up on me otherwise. The worst things Ive done in my life were in the years after my parents divorce. Coupled with the chemicals that came from puberty, I was a monster. Anyone who knew me then would probably quickly agree (sorry brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends…). Fortunately, I was blessed with a series of revelations that turned me around. Bill Morrison mentioned ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE. A movie that I miraculously stumbled across on PBS (I avoided that channel like the plague back then) at the perfect time when flipping channels. It made me think of the good things I took for granted in my life. Bob Schreck mentioned The Beatles in his beautiful comment. I wouldnt want to live in a world that they didnt inspire and changed so wonderfully dramatically for the better in countless ways. A HARD DAYS NIGHT is my all-time fave flick. Its like a happy pill. And considering how infinity can terrify me, it might surprise folks to know how much I love 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. (Fun tip: Play Pink Floyds Echoes along with the final JUPITER AND BEYOND THE INFINITE sequence. The two soundtracks mesh and time out brilliantly and enhance each other increasing the head trip aspect of the film. Youd swear Pink Floyd intended side two of their album Meddle as an additional soundtrack for that sequence. Its so PERFECT. LOVE IT!!! The more relaxed the better ;D Remember, play it in addition to, not instead of. I like to blast the surround sound from the film while playing Pink Floyd in my head phones. But if youre watching it with other people play Echoes from another sound system/speakers.) Big fan of Space Flicks. Yes, I love STAR WARS too. Space Fantasy, or Space Science…love it all. Just saw INTERSTELLAR, and though some of the brilliant scientists do some incredibly stupid stuff, I had a great time with it. But, back to a much bigger point. Yes, I have suffered from depression. We all get depressed from time to time, but DEPRESSION is a killer. Those who suffer from this continually have my deepest felt empathy and sympathy. I wish I could say something, anything to ease your pain. I can only speak to my experience(s) and hope it helps, but I know that is unlikely. My attacks (never sure what to call them) arent caused by depression (pretty sure), when I can even be blissfully happy when they happen. I might subconsciously be afraid of my happiness ending, but I dont want to waste anyones time theorizing. I just want to try to express/communicate/share these feelings in an attempt to connect with my fellow Earthlings. When I WAS depressed, I had a long long list of whys, but was too immature to know how to express myself, and didnt have the humility to ask for help and so mostly just acted out. And there was a single moment that my life since has hinged on… I almost killed someone. I was within the blink of an eye of ending someones life. I dont want to overdramatize this. And though I often think about drawing it out on paper (Laura keeps encouraging me to do so) I havent ever been able to bring myself to do it. Mostly from deep shame, and mostly because I shudder at what I almost did and dont want to be judged by the single worst moment in my life. For now, Ill say only this…I was being bullied. And it was unbearable. I desperately acted out to end the bullying and it almost resulted in the end of someone elses life. Most people would call it self-defense. But I was enraged and murderous. Yet somehow the universe pulled me back, and my life has only gotten better since. If theres an alternate universe where another version of me killed that guy, I wouldnt recognize or want to know that other me. Ive since trained and studied self defense so Id never have to feel the crush of the intimidation that came with bullying. This is largely why Bruce Lee became a hero to me. And not just because hes badass, but because he was a centered, confident, and peaceful man in his daily life. Ive never felt the need to act like a badass. I dont want to be that guy either. Anyone who perceives being nice as weakness is someone I dont want to spend any time with. Ive found kindness can often be the hardest choice. But Ive also found it is ALWAYS the right choice. Especially when Ive failed to make that right choice. A few years after that nightmarish crossroads (and much growth, inspiration, and maturing) I met Laura ( a very good thing I never met her before). And weve been together from the moment we met (literally). My happily ever after started on October 22nd 1980. When I think of everything I would have missed based on one enraged decision, I want to fall to the ground and sob in gratitude. Please know that I know I have been a gigantic jerk time and time again in my life. And Im sure Ill do many stupid jerky selfish things in my future. But I sincerely want to do my best to not be a jerk as much as possible. The trick is in the knowing. The awareness. Its easy to pass out good advice. Its a completely different animal following your own advice, and the sound advice of others. I dont think Im the cats meow. Ive been told that I can come off like a pompous ass. As much fun as Im ever having, I truly want everyone around me to have even more fun, which in turn makes everything more fun for me. Call it Karma or whatever you want…it could be coincidence but the one consistent thing in my life is that the more I try be a decent guy, the more decent stuff seems to come back into my life. If thats the only thing anyone takes from this exorcize…Im good with that. In trying to describe my Existential Terrors, I guess Im hoping that someday someone will simply magically touch my forehead (E.T. phone home) and make the terrors go away…forever. By the way, people overuse the word forever and it drives me nuts ;) I accept that literal magic may not exist (or even what might be called miracles), but there are a lot of amazing wonderful things in life that cant find a better word to describe them. Like meeting Laura. Magic is the best word I can think of. Ill keep thinking to try and find a better word to describe that magical day. She is the one that always pulls me back from the brink (i.e. the end of ALTERED STATES). I just have one final thought (or two) for this particular post: Im not an atheist (that much is clear I think). But one of my best friends is. Weve both agreed that neither of us can prove to the other that there is or isnt God. What is funny/tragic/ridiculous is how much horror has been inflicted upon the world throughout human history by those who DO believe in God but cant agree on the same God. The list of horrors inflicted by atheists is much shorter I think. If your faith inspires you to anger, unjust judgment, oppression, or violence, you might want to rethink your faith. Just a lil something to roll around in our heads. I really really REALLY want to thank everyone who has taken part in this discussion (and any future discussion). Every word Ive read has meant a great deal to me. Especially since everyone has been incredibly respectful. Ive tried to read all the private messages, but there are just too many to respond to all of them. Most of the time I have to quickly skim the messages. And I know for a fact Ive missed dozens of messages, even from good friends and acquaintances. Please forgive me if you dont get a response. The first hour of almost every day is spent going through professional emails. Other than that, twitter, or posting here is the best way to get in touch with me. I spend very little time online, and when I do check back, its often way too overwhelming to look through everything. Just a sincere explanation/excuse. Thank you again. xoxo all red
Posted on: Sun, 09 Nov 2014 20:36:57 +0000
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