So, heres my challenge ... the food wins, the fitness wins and the gratitude and tonight Im posting them separately because ... well, because. Food - the real win here, is that thanks to the private diary I am keeping (yes, there are parts of my life that are offline! Imagine)...I have come to realize the dialogue in my head that leads me to interesting places. This morning I had a smoothie scheduled... nice and healthy way to kick off the morning (or so everyone keeps telling me) ... but then I got scared. I knew I was heading out to a meeting that was going to last until about noon and the gremlin in my head said what if you get hungry? What if you cant access food? What if ... and so I started with two bowls of Thai Vegetable rice instead ... emergency rations. But of course there was food where I was ... it was a Toastmasters contest and Toastmasters are always great at bringing food, so just in case, I made sure I had some ... and while I was still relatively full (see, I told you... who only eats when theyre hungry????? This is why I needed someone who understands the mind games involved in food, not the physiological ones ...) as the meeting ended I called my friend to see if she was up for an early lunch. Yeah... I needed that :( Truth be told, a coffee would have probably been just as good, but I was on a tear ... talk about lack mentality!) One win I can talk about today is that (1) I upped my fruit and had a veggie wrap for lunch (along with the amazing white bean soup) AND, yes, once again, (2) I sent the loaf back to the kitchen. Tonight I needed comfort food so made up a mess of my mothers chicken wings... lots of emotions and letting go happening as I find alternate ways to deal with feelings and today was a dive back under the covers for safety. So, tomorrow is another day...trying not to beat myself up ... but whats the point of telling all of you that this is an easy journey ... its not. But I do hope that as I learn how to overcome this stinking thinking - this fear that there will never be enough food for me ever again (and yes, that comes from very early childhood... not fed enough until the doctor had to intervene and tell my mother to double the food she was feeding me ... and a childhood focused around getting enough food) so I know where it come from but I also know that at my age its time to let go of mummy did and get on with Angela changed the storyline... and yes, Im getting all sorts of help and support with this issue... so stay tuned... the growth continues... I should be burning up the diary tonight. So maybe my third win tonight is (3) recognizing the source and preparing to do battle with it, which means a whole new battle strategy for tomorrow! Stay tuned.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 00:18:27 +0000
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