So much has changed for me in the past year....and somehow I keep circling back to the same spot Im always in. regardless of how hard I try and change things. Ive done so much better in regards to certain areas of my life then I used to when I was, say, 18 or 23. And because of that, I am enormously proud of myself. Im beginning to make better decisions, and Im finally, FINALLY, after all these years, beginning to grasp the concept of responsibility, both personal and fiscal. I have come so, so far in terms of character development, but what really makes me sad is the fact that almost EVERYONE I know -- family and the few friends that I know --- almost everyone still sees me as that immature kid I was when I was 18/19. Everyone still sees me as the guy wearing the ENORMOUS glasses, with the bad plaid shirts, the one who was late every place he ever went whether it was work or personal. They still see me as being stupid or childish, or dare I say, mildly retarded. I admit, when I was younger, I did make a lot of bad choices, or stupid decisions. And because of this, I think its damaged a lot of peoples view or opinion of who I am, even now. A LOT of people have a very negative opinion of me, a very negative view of me. And I think this is mainly why nobody EVER calls me, or invited me anywhere, or invited me to just come and hang out with them. Whats kind of sad is that since moving to Cody, I have not had one ounce of homesickness. Why? Its because up here, Im doing the exact same thing I was back in Billings ---- being alone. Doing my own thing. Nothing is different up here. My style of living has upgraded, but thats about it. I have to admit, I suppose I am a bit angry over it. Pretty hurt, actually. I feel like the friends I had in Billings sort of turned into acquaintances over the years. Nobody ever called me ---- and then when I complained about it, people had the gall to tell me that I never called THEM. Why me? Why shouldnt YOU be first to pick up the damned phone and call me and say, Hey, Kev, how are you? I was wondering if you wanted to drop by, hang out for a bit, catch up on things. I realize things like this are a two-way street, but what I want, is for someone to make the effort to reach out to ME first, to let me know that maybe Im on their mind that day. I know I have friends, I know I have family....but for the past few years, I have been so goddamned alone, and lonely, and nobody ever realized how lonely I actually was, and still am. But its been this way my entire life. Ive always been alone. People I call friend will always eventually pull away from me and leave me. Or people will form a certain view or opinion of me, and decide that they just dont like me. This post isnt to say I dont appreciate my friends/family. I do. I just...I dont know. I just wish I were included a lot more in peoples comings and goings. As it is, I just feel like an afterthought to some of these people.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Dec 2014 06:19:06 +0000