So my dreams... i dream alot. Its always been a condition of mine. I sometimes think its my problem. And really Ive always been quiet about what i really feel and wish and hope for. Sometimes Im too scared to admitt the things inside of me. Like who would care or even understand anyways? Ive been dreaming alot these past months about the possibility for real love to come into my life. I mean i found this incredible person in my path that made me want to be a better person and share all of myself with him. But sometimes i think the dream makes me dillusional and trapped. In it though i learned to strive to love without attatchment. To truly give my heart and love whenever possible. But of course i wish it were mutual. I wish this guy thought what I thought. Wanted what I want also. He wants the same things but i cant be sure that its my face hed want to see there. So i live it all quietly beneath the surface and just wait patiently for the moments. But it doesnt seem to move him or steer him closer to my direction. So most days i spend pretending what it would look like and feel like to be real. I guess thats kinda sad. To have such deep feelings for a stranger. If he knew hed run away from me, is my fear. I wait for the day when someone comes to me an expresses a feeling of uncontrollable Love. Its never ready for harvest before its ripe. I cant cultivate love that is not equal and balanced in desire. I cant make a person want me who did not want me before simply by telling them i got some feelings. If they dont share mutual attraction thats only going to push them further away. I ove him enough to wait till we arrive at the same place, at the same time, for the right reasons. I play with energy. I read situations well. I know when to move and i know when to hold back. I know i will never be the bold aggrsor of pusuit. Im a dancer. I feel the rythm and i always follow the lead. He has not expressed a genuine interest. So i guess for now im in perpetual fantasy. I feel like maybe the time is not right for him. He will recognize me as his heart and mind grow and heal. I know he will see me. I dont stress things of letting go and holding on. Those things come when the course has been taken as far as it can. Im not afraid of either fate. Im feeling good and right with where I am. I enjoy finding hope and how all of this gets me to look deeper at myself and try to heal the brokeness in myself. I always have known things and hes just one of those things im completely sure of. But it is to no avail if his eyes dont see and his heart doesnt feel. Im just here for him at this point. Trying in my way to gently nudge him in the direction of real love. The kind hes been aching for. Its exactly what I can give him. All i can offer him now is my friendship, support, and encouragement. I want him to see that i want nothing from him except for what he freely wants to give. My efforts with him are selfless and genuine. I refuse to come at him with any agenda. I must be cautious in myapproach to him bc of my desires. I will not manipulate or try to change anyones feelings. If he ever feels a thing for meit has to come from a place of his free will and his own instinct and nature. Im making sure that any relationship i enter comes from a place of true love and intention in my heart. Id never seek him to be anyone other than who he is. I think thats what Love is. I think that means im ready for more in my life now. Yes i still got plenty of issues but the issues are the kind 2 healthy individuals could work on together.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 03:08:00 +0000
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