So the last couple of days I havent been feeling like myself. Ive been a lil down. I havent really been wanting to be around people. I think its because im 26 now and Ive been reflecting about my life. Ive been thinking about my ex and the things I went through. I know a lot of you would say that I need to get over it and believe me I wish I could. I wish I could forget about what happened but I cant. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and I say survivor because I really am.I got told when I woke up from sleeping that he could have put a pillow over my head and no one would have been able to help me. I went through 10 years of verbal mental and physical abuse. I would tell myself that I was young and because I fought back sometimes it wasnt really abuse. I told myself because I did this it was a reason why things were happening. I got told that I was worthless that I was a shitty and that no one will ever want to be with me. I believed it. I believed that I was ugly and a shitty person. I was so depressed and I hated myself. To everyone else it looked like nothing was wrong I hid everything and I hid it well. I didnt want anyones help and when I did manage to tell someone I would always make excuses for it. I had to make sure that everyday I had money for weed just so that person would be nice and not yell at me. I hid in my moms room a lot. I felt so shitty and sad like how could one person hate me so much. I was such a shitty person that I made this person hate me so much. I still have nightmares that I am back in that situation. I got faught in front of people complete strangers and told by the mom that If I want to step up to a man I have to be prepared for what would happen next completely humiliated yet it was partly my fault. I still dont understand why I stayed. Im sorry if this is too blunt for everyone and I may lose some friends over this but I believe that one of the things that makes you a victim is silence. I am not going to be silent anymore and I dont care who believes me or not. I made a promise that this year I am going to stop thinking about what I did wrong and I am going to love myself. I know what love is now and I am extremely lucky for the life I live now. I feel like I am strong and I matter. This is not going to affect me anymore. I hope I can help someone with this status. It is never going to get better and it only gets worse no matter what they say. Yep this years birthday and this year will be completely different, sorry for the crazy status but I feel like I really needed to say this.
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 22:52:47 +0000
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