So this is gonna be kind of long, but I wanted to sort of share this journey with everyone. Most of you know that I had lap band surgery in 2007. About 2 weeks after I got a blood clot in my lung and nearly died. Obviously I didnt lol. Then I found out I had a heart condition called WPW. It got so bad that in November of 2007 I had a catheter ablation for it. Then I got mono really bad. Then I had flashbacks of of the rapes that I went through at 5 and 18. Having all of that happen in such a short time caused me to have non epileptic seizures. I fought for 7 years to find out what was causing the seizures, but I finally know. I was diagnosed in december with NEAD, or non epileptic attack disorder. Throughout the whole 6 years that I had my lap band, I struggled. I would get fills and couldnt even drink water afterwards. It got worse and worse until I had all the fill taken out. Even after that I couldnt eat sitting down, I had horrible stomach pain constantly, I couldnt eat upon waking up I would have to wait hours. I avoided going out in public to eat because it was embarassing to sit there, not eating, or if I ate I would have to find the bathroom to throw up because most things just did not work. I lived in hell for 6 years. After having every single test done to rule out celiac, crohns, ulcerative colitis, I decided it had to be the band, so I had it removed in 2013. It took about 2 months and I had gained about 50 pounds. I now weigh more then I did when I had the lap band put in. Ive always known I had a weight problem, ive been made fun of, told I was too fat to be seen with, lots of horrible things in my life that hurt my feeilngs. So after my lap band removal I decided to try weight watchers. It worked for awhile but eventually stopped just like every other diet ive tried. It wasnt until my shoulder thing started and I went to have an MRI that I really woke up. Seeing the scale go up, clothes stop fitting me, getting out of breath doing simple things, none of that shocked me into stopping this. The final straw came the day of the MRI, I took my valium like I was suppose to went to the hospital, got on the machine. When they tried to put me in, I wouldnt fit. I was too big. Ive had a lot of MRIs and never have I not fit in the machine until now. That was an extremely hard day. Not many people know that. But one thing I know is that if im going to go through with another bariatric sugery to get me back, then I need to be honest not just with everyone else, but myself. The fact is I cannot do this on my own, ive tried and tried. I guess when I had the lap band I always had the thought in the back of my head if it doesnt work it can be removed. Its going to take permanently altering my stomach to finally beat this obesity ive dealt with my entire life. Ive worked hard on changing the inside of me, its now time to change the outside to match. Im not doing this for cosmetic reasons. Im doing it so I can be healthier, and get back to the person I used to be. Im ready for this. I need this. Its time to stop pushing it aside, grow up and admit to myself that the only enemy is me. Food hasnt made me get this big, no one else has made me get this big, I made me get this big. Ive given up pop and been very successful with that so far. I am determined this time to never hear the words you wont fit again. As scary as it is to have this surgery, its what I need to do. Some of you may think this is a cop out, or an easy way out, but in reality bariatric surgery is very difficult. It doesnt work on its own, it takes me doing my part too. Its only a tool, but I need this tool in my toolbox. Ive been in denial for a long time and im ready to just admit that I have a problem, I need help, I need to do this for me. Its going to be rough and emotional and at times I may become unbearable but I ask for the support of all of you, help me get through this, help me beat this once and for all. I would rather not tell my weight yet, but when I have a surgery date, I will for sure post my starting weight, and weigh ins as often as I can. Im excited, nervous, scared, anxious, but happy that im going to better myself in the long run. Thanks for reading this if you did. Im sure I will have many many more posts about my thoughts, and fears. I appreciate every single one of you that is there for me and will continue to help me through this. Even though my parents dont see this, they deserve more thanks then I can give. They have been there for me and I love them and appreciate everything they have done for me, more then they know. Time to kick some butt! Much love to all of you, and hang on tight this journey is just beginning!
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 05:24:39 +0000