So, throughout this recent journey, Jules and I decided that maybe it might be worthwhile to write a book of the things no one talks about when it comes to pregnancy. Because thats what Jules and I do — turn our life experiences into words on a page or a screen. I feel that as a society, weve been taught that everything should be beautiful, that this is an incredible blessing, and if you feel anything but this, then theres gotta be something wrong with you. But, like most of real life, thats just not how it is. In fact, I was warned that its okay not to feel bonded to your baby the minute its born. That with one child, you might feel completely connected and with another, it might take a little while to warm-up. Theres no sense in feeling like were failing before weve even gotten stated. And yes, some people are euphoric and glowing and love this process. In fact, when I was working in San Diego, I met a woman who told me, Ive given birth to six kids, but three are my own. When she saw my perplexed look, she said, Oh, Im a surrogate mom. Pregnancies are really easy for me. And, they helped pay my way through nursing school. Then, theres the whole lot of us who spend days on end in bed and with head-in-toilet, before collapsing in mental anguish. Its not a pretty sight, but its definitely made better with a partner by your side who can handle everything — from the gross to the minuscule to the obscure to the essential. When I was in the midst of feeling very, very badly, itd be difficult to do anything. I couldnt cook for myself, much less eat. And Jules did his best to be supportive, including making me meals, helping me in and out of the car, and up and down stairs, and simply letting me lean on him when I didnt have the strength to stand any longer. Occasionally, wed have to go to appointments, or at least, hed encourage getting out of the house for a literal breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, those would sometimes turn into puke-fests out the window. In my estimation, Jules thought that by driving faster, he would get us to our destination more quickly and then once there, I could settle and feel better. On my end, what actually happened is that when I leaned out the window to throw up, spit and vomit would come hurling back at me, so that it looked like I was attacked by my insides. I was in a bad state, so I couldnt even muster up the words to talk to him from the passenger seat. My brain would want to communicate, but the rest of me couldnt follow suit. Id wait and then, when I finally found the strength, I whispered to him... Babe, gasping. Next time. When Im leaning to throw up. Please. Can you slow down? Otherwise. All over. Me. So we learned. When I started gagging, his job was to slow the car down, pull over to the side, and let me open up the door to do what I needed to do. He made a note on his iPhone as a chapter for tips on how a partner can support his pregnant mate: slow the car down when shes about to hurl. We also learned that fruits were easier to go down and then come up, so every morning, hed have a fresh bowl of apples and plums cut up for me in digestible pieces. We learned that him placing his hand on my belly helped to calm things, as if the baby wanted to know both his or her parents were ready and available. We learned that even in the midst of our most stressed-out moments, our communication with one another is exceptionally strong and when we see each other, everything melts away into love. We also learned that random things can occur. Like how I once walked into my cottage at the time and thought, Well, thats weird. It smells like baby. That newborn smell was so strong, I couldnt mistake it. And then, it happened another time. Then recently, Jules said, Babe, you smell like a baby! He sniffed my arm. He sniffed my belly. Immediately, we googled whether or not this was a normal phenomenon and discovered many chatroom threads had asked the same question. What Ive personally learned is that its important to remember that even when Im feeling lazy as in, I cant do anything productive, except binge watch shows on Netflix that what I really need to remind myself is saying, Oh hi. Remember? Youre creating a HUMAN BEING. 24/7. No break, no joke. So, hows about you ease up on yourself and stop trying to be mega-accomplisher-woman? Hows about you learn those lessons Life seems to want you to know so badly? Like, surrender. Like, go easy on yourself? Like, youre enough! Or, the fact that everything turns out okay. Especially when we can trust that itll do just that. Like, how we found the most perfect house to start our lives together. Like, how we found the perfect temporary living situation until our house is ready. Like, how when I thought I was completely going to lose it, the cheapest direct airfares Ive ever seen to Cali came up, so that Jules said, Book the ticket! You should go! and the minute I clicked purchase, I felt a huge weight lift off my chest that I can go back and see all the people so dear to my heart whose company I yearn now more than anything. And, even how Ive been missing homemade Chinese food so badly that my parents are in-this-moment on a plane, luggage likely filled with eats my father and mother have prepared, and that when they come into town, theyve said theyll make us gourmet eats and teach Jules how to make gluten-free versions of Chinese food, so that he can help cook for me and carry on the tradition for our current generation of family. Gratitude abounds... xie xie.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 18:59:27 +0000