So, yesterday would have been Hilary and my nineteenth wedding anniversary had she not been struck and killed by a drunk driver on New Years Eve a year and a half ago, and, because she had been fighting stage 4 breast cancer at the time of her death, its more than likely she would have passed away by now. In typical husband fashion, the day came and went with me... forgetting it. When I realized it this morning after looking at my calender, I at first felt surprised, then embarrassed and a bit ashamed, then reflective. After all that I have gone through and her tragic loss, how could I forget our anniversary? Here is my answer; Ive been living my life. Im not doing a great job of it, but Im doing the best that I can. For all my jokes and warmth, Ive always had a defiant streak in me. Defiance sometimes against authority, yes, but defiance against the darkness. Im proud to say I get it from my late mother (a war surviver), and my late father (the oldest of ten and of a generation that came out of the Depression). Defiance is not a bad thing. The choice is not always easy for me; to be happy, to not give up, but I do know that I have a choice. Maybe others who have truly suffered or are suffering now do not, but I know I do. Living in close quarters with death (in my case, Hilarys cancer, and her final 17 hours before she died from her injuries), has given me a tremendous gift of knowledge and dare I say wisdom, that I otherwise would not have been given. Simply, live your life.Truly LIVE it! Today I choose to live it. Since Hilarys death Ive tried to do just that. My play Sovereign Body closes this weekend after an incredible run, the movie I was in Ink And Steel had its West Coast Premiere this last Monday. I have friends. My crosses of nails are giving people joy. I have a God of my understanding. I still have a roof over my head, (the list can go on and on- its important to make that list) and...I have love again in my life (yes, you know who you are). How incredible is that?! My cup runneth over. I dont think I deserve all this. Before she died, I was given the gift of having Hilary tell me that she wanted me to have these things (including love again) after she died. I dont deserve any of it. When you start putting things in terms of deserving and not deserving, you are in trouble. Deserves got nothing to do with life. Better to simply be grateful and say thank you. An English couple who recently lost their 12 year old daughter to cancer found a secret letter that the girl wrote on the back of her bedroom mirror. One of the things that the dying girl wrote was maybe its not about the happy ending, maybe its about the story. Words to live and die by. My friends, thanks for being apart of my story. Sorry in advance, but most likely Ill forget your birthday/anniversary/etc. this year. I hope to be too busy. What more can I say?
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 17:03:43 +0000
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