Some Days Are A Struggle The good thing about today is I havent thrown up. Every day you dont throw up is a good day. The nausea has stuck its ugly head up a couple of times even with my new, fancy patch and powerful drug, but Ive won the battles with it today. Yesterday, I had my white blood cell booster. Ive seen how effective this shot is. I know why I need it. But today, my legs and hips feel like they are broken. Every step is extremely painful. Ive used heat to help, but that sometimes brings out the nausea monster, so I have to be careful. Finally, Jon remembered we used a pain pill to fight it last time. Ive been a lot better since I took it. I dont know why taking pain pills make me feel like Im weak, but they do so I dont like to give in and take them very often. The mind games I play with myself amazes me. December 27th, I started shedding my hair. Today, the hair on my head has been making a mess of everything! I am very thankful I cut it short before starting chemo. I cant imagine losing all my long hair. It would have been so much worse in every way. Ive known it was coming, but that hasnt stop the tears. I think it would be better if it all just fell out one morning. This way is physically painful, itchy, messy, and very emotional. God has a whole lot less hairs to count on my head tonight. I dont know how long this lasts, but Im not ready for it. That might sound vain or selfish. Maybe it is. Im okay with feeling upset. Im giving myself permission to grieve. I promise not to stay here, but its hard to lose your hair and I wont ignore that. I have an amazing husband and kids, but that doesnt mean this hasnt been hard on them too. Different stages of this process are harder on each of us at different times and at different levels. We all cope in our own ways, and we dont always agree or understand the way the others are handling things. Its really tough. When youre the one with cancer, its really easy to feel guilty. I know this wasnt by my choosing, but that doesnt make me feel somewhat responsible for all their heartache. With this being a painful and highly emotional day for me, I think I fell on the sword a little more today than normal. Today is also my day I struggle to stay hydrated, so my skin is tight and my lips are chapped. Its a good thing I dont go out in the wind much because I might just blow away like dust. Its also the day my kidneys hurt. I dont know if thats from the chemo, the struggle to stay hydrated, or the booster shot. Its just an all-around yucky start to a new year. The positive is I know from last cycle better days are coming. I will get through this. I will survive. Ive learned knew things to try next time to make it a little bit easier. By the time Ive finished all four cycles, Ill have figured it all out. :) Luke 12:7 - Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Dont be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 03:35:24 +0000
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