Some Fathers Day Smiles... What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father? One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop. Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking? Voice: This is my father. Father- Let me see your report card. Son- I don’t have it. Father - Why not? Son - My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.” A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…” “Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him. “ …Which bus would I take home?” Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached? Science student: When my father sees my report card! What does your father do for a living? He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother. Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!” Son: For $20, I’ll be good. Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing. Dad: How do you like fourth grade? Son: It isn’t much fun. Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life! Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate. Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait! I made a bad mistake today and gave my dad some soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast. Was he mad? Yup. He was foaming at the mouth! How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday? I love it! Why? Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks! Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders. But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back! Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad Thanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as: “Can you turn up that music?” “Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.” “I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.” “Here, you take the remote.” Papa Bear My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.” Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” What a Card! Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?” “No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.” Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked. “Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. Happy Fathers Day My Friends!
Posted on: Sun, 16 Jun 2013 19:24:03 +0000
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