Some folks have found this appendix from our book, No Stone Unturned, helpful. I hope some feel likewise: Appendix –Some tips on how to fight a Really Hard Fight “Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.” Abraham Lincoln Without pretending to be an expert, here are some tips that may help others facing terrible challenges like TBI. It’s plain that there is no fool-proof way of fighting, no surefire formula, no ready roadmap to follow in case of catastrophic illness, so you’re sure to make mistakes. Don’t be too hard on yourself, or on others. Faced with a crushingly powerful adversary, one can only try doing one’s best. So, for what they’re worth, my suggestions for better fighting are: Live for the day; one day at a time. Resist the seductive tendency to dwell on ‘what might have been,’ or to worry and obsess about the Final Outcome. The twin sirens of Past and Future, if indulged, will surely lure you off course. Besides, there’s nothing much to be done about either. Be like the marathon runner focused on just the one mile at hand. It’s not that one mustn’t make future plans, just don’t fret about them or invest too much energy. Remember today’s the day, the Olympic Games. It’s best to forgive, though most of us feel the impulse only waveringly if at all. I’ve personally struggled with this demon, but when successful, it’s been like laying down a heavy burden. What a relief to finally forgive ‘The Boys’ and their parents for moving on with their lives, and wish them only the best. Like most things, forgiving gets easier with practice. As author of some costly mistakes, and often prey to ugly, hateful feelings, I’ve forgiven myself and hope for as much from those who’ve paid the price. Count one’s blessings daily. If things are too bleak, or you’re so blitzed that nothing springs to mind, keep a log and at bedtime review three good things that happened during the day. When not enough good things are happening, make them happen! Treat a stranger to an act of kindness -- that counts as a good thing for sure, and as reminder that one is not helpless, but can still make one’s mark. Who is it that said if you want to make someone happy, be compassionate? And if you want to be happy, be compassionate. Surround yourself with positive people. The worldwide ‘conspiracy of decency’ has members in every community. Seek them out. They’ll buck you up, inspire by example, and keep you in psychological and spiritual ‘training’ for the long haul. Join their ranks. If you don’t know enough of them, find resources at ‘support groups’ for TBI (or whatever else ails you or your loved one) or other assemblies of people like churches and synagogues, though beware negative types haunting their halls. The idea is to find people who’ll help you stay brave and strong so you can be there for the ones really counting on you. The corollary to the last point is avoiding negative people. Not as simple as is sounds, since they may include family and other loved ones. ‘Negative’ is a comprehensive category including whiners, ‘nay-sayers,’ melancholic and depressive types, cynical and sarcastic wise guys, put-down artists, selfish blow-hearts, pessimists and many others. If they make you feel lousy, they’re going to sap your strength. You’re in for a long, hard fight; these dour, toxic folks make it harder, often without malice, just by ‘being themselves.’ If it’s too emotionally taxing to drop them completely, then cut way down on exposure time. If you are of a negative bent, follow this suggestion all the same -- you need it more than most. No one is strong enough to successfully wage this kind of struggle solely by ‘triumph of will.’ Find a wing to nestle under, a safe, calm place, a spiritual haven. Daily prayer, for those inclined, is best. I can’t imagine getting by without it. But meditation, ‘positive thinking,’ ‘kything,’ and visualization are good too. For some, inspirational music, poetry and reading are just the thing. If your heart is breaking, try singing a different song. The old Quaker hymn, “How Can I keep from Singing?” eased me out of some very dark spots. Find a song or two or many, which give you a boost and bring you back to a hopeful place; then, if need be, literally force yourself to sing. (In the shower or even in your head is fine). Keep a CD of ‘your songs’ handy in the car. Laugh a lot. If you’re not naturally inclined, push yourself, rent movies, go visit funny friends. They’ll lighten the load for sure. Take care. Consider vitamins, meditation, and sensible exercise to keep you strong. Moreover there’s no disgrace in seeking a doctor’s help managing troubled sleep, anxiety, depression or other miseries. Think outside the box! Many medical practitioners at the zenith of their careers no longer have an open mind, if they ever did. It’s your responsibility to seek alternative therapies, emerging technologies, and to keep abreast of which ones may hold real promise. On the other hand, remember that, “Not all who rave are divinely inspired.” Try to find objective, third party advisors, aside from your primary docs, to help pick the oats from the manure. Not everyone has access to such a ‘team’ of experts, so when all else fails, use the smell test. (You know, if it smells funny...it’s probably rotten). And remember, do no harm, though that may not always be possible. Above all, take brother David’s advice: seek daily doses of good and beautiful things at one’s fingertips. When you’re up to your eyeballs, renew your zest for living, your appreciation of life’s sweetness and small pleasures. Make time to play with your dog, to smell the flowers, listen to your favorite music, catch up with a friend, or contemplate nature’s beauty. The Hudson Valley is bursting with natural splendors-- rivers, mountains, and orchards of plenty. But no matter where you live, whatever your aesthetic preferences, heed the poet’s words, “Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God; but only he who sees, takes off his shoes. The rest sit around and pluck blackberries.”
Posted on: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 01:46:49 +0000
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