Somehow, somewhere, and somewhen; I have no idea those answers, whether it was even in this lifetime I do not know, and it does not matter now. What matters is that I know this and now I consciously own and deal with it many times a day. Somehow, somewhere, and somewhen, I was taught that I could only be of value to another, valued by another, if I did what they wanted me to do. If I compromised my own well-being for others, they would love me. That was the price I paid for love, and have been paying for it all of my life. I really do believe it has been my entire life that Ive felt this. Nobody did anything to me that gave me that message, though plenty unconsciously reinforced it. I became a boyscout because my mom wanted me to, I hated being a boyscout. I dont like camping. I dont care about tying knots (in fact I can untie em better than most!). The principles of scouting can be found in many worthy places. I hated it. I played clarinet in band because Mom did. I was never any good at it because I never had a passion for it. I never wanted to be in band at all. I wanted to sing. But I never told anyone because expressing my wants cost me their love. Only they never knew that, so I cannot honestly say I was their victim. I was my own victim. I learned to write with my right hand because my grandmother put the pencil by my right hand and expected me to pick it up and use it with my right hand. Had I switched to my left hand she wouldnt have had a problem with it, but in my mind she would not love me if I did that. Even today in my marriage, sometimes I express a desire and then later change that. I can see the confusion on Phillips face, and I cant blame him. But the first decision was from the old habit of thinking he wouldnt love me if I didnt want to do it his way. Its no wonder he looks at me like Im crazy at those times. That is crazy behavior! And he consistently shows me his love in everything he says and does, so I cant say that he has ever reinforced this issue of mine. Lately, over the past couple of years or so, Ive been challenging this belief. Ive lost a few relationships, and once the grieving was over I always realized I was better without that rapport. Ive noticed Im building more honest relationships too. I know Ive written about this, or aspects of it in my life before, but something about tonight just brought it home for me. I think it was the man in the boyscout uniform who got a room tonight, and his bumper sticker that said once a scout always a scout. My first response was then I was never a scout and I knew it was true. Its fascinating to observe my history in this way. No perpetrator, no victim, just perspective, action, and consequence.
Posted on: Sat, 12 Apr 2014 07:19:38 +0000