Someone must not make you apologize to a point that you do not recognize yourself or them at the end of the apology, to a point where you cannot tell apart grovelling from innocent begging because some people are just too faultless to take apologies from obvious sinners who cannot, can never finish a sentence or a meal without asking to be excused from their inadequacies that lie in the way they chew, how carelessly they fold their handkerchiefs to hide a sneeze or how erroneously wide their mouths open when they yawn or how a little too much their teeth show when they speak.. Excuse me will you. You apologize to a point that when you start again you know that you would never be able to look them in the eye again and not spit in your mouth, to a point that you resent yourself and them, to a point of staining yourself when you think of them and how low they have taken you, how absurdly low to let yourself go. You apologize so much; try to smooth out your words so as to let out a little burp in your pain when you write down yet another apology after excruciating weeks of incessant apologies that would have been resolved with a cup of tea and long love making. But I did say that these movie things are nothing to take note of. You apologize to a point where you do not even know what you are apologizing for, you are not sure whether you are asking for pardon for that little insult you did not mean that came out wrong in all ways possible or whether you are apologizing for every wrong that has ever come their way - the scotching sun, the uneven tan in their skin, the dimples in their thighs, the crack in their teeth or perhaps the angry rains in the summer, the wintertime that left their heels cracked, the people who left them without even a letter under the door. You honestly have no idea whether you are apologizing for snapping at them because you had a rough day at work or you are saying sorry for the mean neighbour, the belittling roommate, the bad exam, the broken door handles, the lost lovers or maybe you are apologizing because you are just too foolish to see that your stay is no longer essential, that perhaps there are better people out there who pray harder than you do, who are more spiritual than you ever will be, who are obviously more pure than you could ever imagine, whose hair curls better than yours, whose name rhymes better with theirs and yet you are there, dumb, playing house with someone who would rather be elsewhere so they taunt you, try to break you so you can wake from all these dead butterflies in your belly because honestly you just do not get it – you have not been getting it for a while now. All the signs were there, from the callers written babe on their phone to the morning calls that never ended, the phones that rang in silence, the I love you texts because friends are allowed to love each other after all, how dare you question that or the 1am phone calls from a friend who knows you to be just a best friend and nothing more, I mean, knowing who our lovers are is one of the first conversations in building friendships right? but you are still there, fighting a losing battle, thinking highly of the relationship, thinking that your love was strong enough to even hold a decent conversation or have someone pick up a phone when you call let alone reply to a text you again foolishly sent after the 20 ones that went unreturned. You are not needed here and that should have been the beginning of your apology. Your apology should have been, “I am sorry for all the times I tried to save a sinking ship. I have heard. I have heard your speaking and thank you. Please may you also abundantly forgive me for my stubbornness that has frustrated you to a point of breaking me. All of it was my fault.”
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 17:08:15 +0000