Sometimes I wish I wasnt afraid to say what was on my mind. I know some of you can relate to that. Its one of those moments where someone has said or done something; on one or multiple occasions; that just gets on your absolute last nerve but you just bite your tongue and try to let it roll off your shoulders, even though you know its just going to happen over and over and over again, until you finally decide to take a stand and say something about it, but even though it annoys you, you dont want to be the one that comes off as a jerk so you remain silent, but you often wonder how many times you can contain yourself from actually mentioning it, and if you dont, you wonder how big the aftermath will be once the explosion takes place. Each time it happens, you do everything you can to avoid conflict, because at the time, its the last thing you want, but later you find yourself hitting the replay button, over and over, in your head, and you think of so many things that you should have or wanted to say, and then you beat yourself up about it, because you know that unless you take a stand, youre going to go through it again, and with each new time that it happens you will find yourself questioning what you should or shouldnt do, should or shouldnt say, etc.. I often times find myself wondering why other people think that they deserve to have the ability to treat others however they wish. I just cannot understand how another person can feel as if they have the right to make dictations to you, pass judgments on you, or try to express that they know whats best for you, when in reality they have absolutely no clue about who you are, what youve been through, what youre thinking, how hard you struggle or have struggled, and what youve had to do to get to where you are. I always find it to be the worst when its someone that you love or care about, even though its not always those, people, I believe thats still when it hurts the worst. On one hand you would love to tell that person to blow it out their rear and on the other hand you dont want to hurt that persons feelings the same way that they continue to hurt yours. Its like they abuse that privilege that youve given them to hurt you much worse than anyone should have a right to and you just have to smile and accept it because again, you dont want to be the jerk. When you dont follow through with their conformity, youre the black sheep. You cant do anything right in their eyes, and they arent going to waste any time letting everyone else know that they arent happy with you and why they feel that way. They gossip about you behind your back, try to be nice to you to your face, but make the worst subtle comments that dig deeper and damage more than a hollow-point round. And then people wonder why you are upset or in a bad mood all the time. Why youre depressed, or you want to avoid contact. They will say, lets talk about it., and in a way that makes it even worse because when you open your mouth, youre afraid that the bottled up rage could escape your carefully constructed containment, that the poisonous pit viper will strike, so you just keep bottling it up. Youre strong because youre forced to carry a burden and it just keeps growing and growing, and there is never an end to it. These sorts of situations are the ones that make me want to throw my hands in the air and be done with it all. These are the sort of things that make me not care, not want to be around people, and just generally give me the feeling like I want to hide under a rock. Today is one of those days and Im just fed up, and Im so sorry and sympathetic for anyone else that has had to or is currently going through a similar situation.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 01:22:34 +0000
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