Sometimes it seems theres this idea that The Divine has gone silent. That God is absent, because there are no more prophets. That we havent had a proper holy man since ancient times. I often wonder though, if our prophets and holy men are still around, and its the rest of us that have changed. We have become so cool, so hip, so smugly detached and jaded and self-conscious and above it all, that todays holy men make us even more nervous than they did in those probably-over-idealized-anyway ancient times. We dont want to face them, or what they suggest about our own nature. So we lock them away, medicate them, or (perhaps worst of all) laugh them off. Why? Would you have danced with The Voice Crying in the Wilderness? I wonder. Would I have? Maybe not. Maybe we would have just awkwardly gone about our business, trying hard not to make eye contact with that crazy / drunkard / fool. Obviously something is wrong with him. OBVIOUSLY. It cant be us. It must be him. Maybe the rest of us havent changed after all, and its just always been this way. Maybe this has always been the dynamic between the prophets, holy men/women, desert fathers/mothers, seers, shaman, hijra, etc. - and the rest of us. We just have the benefit(?) of the internet now, to rub our noses in our own reactions. 2,000 years into the future, will people perceive Matthew Silver in a vein comparable to our current perception of ancient figures like John the Baptist? Maybe. Hindsight is weird like that. Or maybe, I have no idea what Im going on about, and should be laughed off, locked up, or medicated. But I feel I should warn you. Im off my self-medication. Since I quit drinking, Ive been getting increasingly strange and increasingly okay with it. Most people drink to loosen their inhibitions, I was drinking to keep mine tightened. But theyre falling apart now. Its been a struggle, but its progressing forward. Now when I see people like Silver, I actually feel a bit more comfortable, relieved. Normal. Ah. Now THAT makes sense, I say to myself. Then, sitting around a table listening to family/friends smalltalk weather, sports, popular culture, half-baked political and/or scientific and/or religious theories... THATS what makes me itchy. THATS when I feel lost. I am increasingly losing my ability to relate to that kind of thing. It feels like all those types of interactions are happening peripherally, somewhere behind a veil of fog, without me actually present. I want to scream, cry, laugh hysterically. All at the same time. I havent yet, not as much as I feel drawn to, but its just around the corner. I have laughed too much, I have thrown out references and words that SEEM not to have anything to do with anything. Ive noticed you notice that. What the hell is he laughing about? Well, I apologize (but Im not sorry), but its going to get worse. I hope you can handle that. Im still wrestling around, trying to get comfortable in my own skin. Soon enough Im going to stop noticing you noticing me, and the lines between the stage and the everyday will finally disappear. Then some real work is going to begin. The lines are already getting blurred. Im excited and afraid and sometimes Im fighting it, but thats progress. Come watch me perform sometime, youll see what I mean. Shameless self-promotion.
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 03:56:16 +0000
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