Sometimes things kind of sit inside of me, feelings that I can’t place, as if they are hiding someplace and throwing out crumbs for me to pick up, taste, and then wanting more, I look once again. When I look away, something happens I can feel ‘it’, then when I look; ‘it’ hides again. For years I feel like I am sitting near some kind of finish line, or a place where I will ‘get it’, but seem stuck, fading where I am. Not sure it is something bad, though unpleasant at times. Of course I try to figure everything out, want to line things up, but neither my interior life, nor my relationship with God can be boxed. It is like I am swimming in air, looking for footing, but only able to just touch down, then that place of rest is gone and up an away. Though this metaphor sucks I know. On the other hand, I would not want to be anyplace else either. Can’t go back, my psyche would not fit. People often tell me they would like to be 18 again, but only if they knew what they know now. I always smile at that, as if they could have the mind of an 18 year old, with the knowledge and experience of someone in their 60’s….Is that a oxymoron? I think I will stay where I am…..in some ways getting older sucks big time, then on the other hand, there is something beautiful about aging, something happens within that seems to increase happiness, or if not that, then for many, a certain peace can arise up in the soul. It is funny, when I am in church and try to genuflect; I am not always I will get back up. My body does strange things, like one day my knees hurt, and then the next day, they don’t. So when I go down on one knee, I never now what to expect when I attempt to get back up with some sort of dignity. Or running, or the attempt to is a joke, I think I kind of limp along….lower back problems. Then of course there is my funny look. I have always loved long air, so I have a long beard and well, being bald on the top, and spreading, I still have a pony tail in the back. So when I want a laugh, I just look sideways in a mirror, or turn around and look at my bald dome, with my receding hair ling moving steadily towards my neck…..it is funny. It is good to know that perhaps I bring a little merriment into others people lives when they see me. I am too stubborn to get a normal haircut, not sure it fits me. Though one day I may fall into the temptation to cut it off, which has happened in the past, but I always grow it back…..many wish I would not, but ya know, that is just tough…..its my head and I can grow whatever I want on it!
Posted on: Sun, 20 Oct 2013 10:21:03 +0000
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