Sorry for not posting for a few days, its been busy A Lesson A Day 27 Kislev, 5774/ November 30, 2013 SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM Day 87 – Providing Information Unlike the Shadchan (matchmaker) or advisor, a third party who is approached with specific questions about one of the parties is not offering advice. His primary concern, therefore, is not the sin of misleading others. His main responsibility is to be honest, and to refrain from speaking that which might constitute loshon hora. If asked whether the other party has a specific relevant shortcoming, it is certainly correct to tell the truth. For example, if one is asked about the person’s character, and is aware that he has an uncontrollable temper, this must be told, l’toeles (for a constructive purpose). Of course, the preconditions for relating such information are required (second-hand information must be presented as such; constructive intent is required; and one may relate only that which is accurate and necessary). If however, one is approached for information that on an objective level is irrelevant but in the eyes of this party is important, one is faced with a dilemma. To provide the information is, in effect, assisting in the unjustified abrogation of a potentially successful shidduch. On the other hand, one does not have the right to mislead the party by way of false information, and in so doing, decide the person’s future for him without his knowledge. The Chofetz Chaim suggests that in such cases one defer by saying,” I don’t know.” (Why this does not constitute falsehood will be discussed later.) In summation then, if, for example, an eligible young man is insistent that the woman he marries be at least four years younger than he, should never have failed an exam in elementary school, or comply with some other stipulation of seeming irrelevance, one who is asked concerning such matter should simply say, “I don’t know.” However, a shadchan may not suggest someone who does not meet these terms without first consulting a rav. SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON Study the Laws There is another meaning to the description of the art of silence as a craft. One who seeks to become a craftsman must study and train until he has mastered the skills of a given craft. There is no other way to become a true expert at one’s trade. With regard to speech, one might be inclined to think: “Why must I study the laws of shmiras haloshon in all their fine details? I will simply train myself to avoid conversation. That way, I will surely not transgress!’’ This is a mistake, for not always is silence desirable. In fact, there are even times when the halachah requires that one relate negative information about a given individual! Therefore, one must study and know well the laws of speech in all their details, so that he will truly master the art of silence. The Sages were very exacting in stating, “Which craft should man pursue in this world?’’ For one might mistakenly think: “It has been my way for many years to be careful in avoiding forbidden speech. I have more experience in this ‘craft’ than a real craftsman has in his particular expertise! Shmiras haloshon is by now second nature to me; there is no longer any need for vigilance.’’ To preclude this false notion, the Sages state: “Which craft should man pursue in this world?’’ to indicate that all man’s days in this world he must be alert to the pitfalls of forbidden speech. 28 Kislev, 5774 / December 1, 2013 SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM Day 88 – Matters of Opinion Subjective questions about people are most difficult to answer: “Is he a talmid chacham?” “Is she intelligent?” Each of these terms is relative, for at what point does a student of Torah become a “talmid chacham,” and how does one measure intelligence? Lack of a definitive barometer is a problem with most character traits as well, making accurate evaluations in these areas extremely difficult. Furthermore, we have seen that one may not provide information that could prevent a match from materializing unless the information provides valid basis for this. How, then, does one correctly provide information when asked? It is clear that it is unwise for a party to approach an acquaintance with a request for such information. In fact, the Chofetz Chaim says that such inquires warrant no response. However, one may bring such questions before a rav, rosh yeshiva, or seminary dean, etc. who has the wisdom and experience to evaluate a situation properly and offer an appropriate response. Others who are approached with such questions may direct the person to the proper authority. SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON Best of All Shimon his [Rabban Gamliel’s] son says: “All my days I have been raised among the Sages and I found nothing better for oneself than silence” (Avos 1:17). R’ Shimon is, in effect, saying: “I was reared among the Sages and had the opportunity to glean from all their precious, sacred qualities. And of all those qualities, the art of silence is most outstanding.’’ Alternatively, R’ Shimon may have meant the following: The Sages were the wisest of men and surely did not engage in pointless conversation. Nevertheless, there was nothing, aside from speaking words of Torah, which they found more beneficial to themselves than silence. R’ Shimon was precise in saying: “and I found nothing better for oneself ...” Man’s corporeal existence in this world makes it virtually impossible for even the purest of souls to ensure that his every utterance is without flaw. This is why silence is so desirable. If such was true of the generation of R’ Shimon, whose Sages were accustomed to speaking only words of true wisdom, then what of ourselves, whose minds are preoccupied with matters devoid of substance and meaning? If one’s mouth will not be restrained by the harness of silence, then invariably it will speak in the way that it has been accustomed since one’s youth, and the loss will outweigh the gain many times over. · A daily lesson from the Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson A Day/Mesorah Publications. · To subscribe or unsubscribe: e-mail us at [email protected] with subject subscribe/unsubscribe
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 13:02:59 +0000
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