Sorry todays post is so late. Today was a busy day. Normally I like to write early in the morning while Daddy is still sleeping. I would much rather be enjoying his company once he wakes up. This morning, Nathan went to have breakfast with his dad, Grandpa, and so he got up earlier than normal, thus giving me little time to write. Yesterday I mentioned that I was having a hard morning. That hard morning ended up lasting all day (fortunately it did not carry over to today). It just felt like my heart was close to the surface all day long. It wasnt any one specific thing anyone said or did. It definitely was not the people I was with. It just was a hard day. A good friend helped me make some sense of why there are hard days. She told me that its sort of like my body absorbing the shock. My mind and my heart cant handle it all at once. Every once in a while though, I can handle or accept a little more of what has happened. At first those days were all crammed together but as the remaining shock gets smaller and smaller, the frequency of my hard days will become further and further apart. There may never be a day though that the shock is totally gone. Today wasnt as hard and I actually started off by focusing on some miracles that have happened. Daddy has a new job. It is a true miracle. This job came to him also. The real miracle part though is that Daddy is going to be home in the evenings and off on the weekends. For those who may not know us as personally, Nathan has been getting home no earlier than 8:30pm for almost a year (sometimes as late as 2am). I am overjoyed! Im going to have a husband again! We could maybe even go on a date. There have been a few other little miracles but they havent fully panned out yet so I wont comment on them quite yet. What I will say is how thankful I am for our guardian angel, Addison. I very strongly feel that Addison had a discussion with Heavenly Father and together they decided that Mommy and Daddy need each other more than ever right now. They prepared this job for Nathan, even maybe before Addison came to us, so that we could better take care of each other. Its like Addison has just been going around, touching peoples hearts and showing Gods favor. I love her. She has such a caring heart. I am proud to call myself her mother. I wanted to talk a little about the anger phase of grief but I think I will save it for another time since it might seemingly contradict all I have said about the miracles. As a for-warning to that future post, I will say that anger is a normal part of the grief process and I think I have been handling very well. I dont want to be told not to be angry or to just rely on Heavenly Father more. I am relying on Him. That doesnt mean that I cant feel like I got the short end of the stick sometimes. Thank you for your understanding in advance. Addisons Mommy
Posted on: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 02:31:33 +0000