Soul The soul of a person consists of his mind, emotions and will. For compatibility in marriage, there must be some degree of similarity in these realms too. We cannot be rigid here (as in the case of oneness in the spirit), and we acknowledge that there are exceptions where there may not be similarity in these realms and yet where God may lead to marriage. But we are speaking here of the normal case. Though secondary to the spirit, yet the soul is more important than the body. Therefore, after having considered the spiritual aspect, the next question that a young man should ask himself is still not, What does she look like?, but Does she suit me intellectually and emotionally?. In most cases, Gods chosen partner for a person will be of the same mental age as he is. Mental age can be different from physical age. There are some 25-year olds who behave like 15-year olds. Their mental and emotional development has obviously not corresponded with their physical - not necessarily because of any disease or deformity, but perhaps due to their being too dependent on their parents or due to other environmental factors. There are many reasons why we should consider mental age. Conversation is a very important part of married life, and if there are very few or no interests in common to the two partners, this can lead to many tensions and frustrations. There should therefore normally be a wide range of common interests - for married life is not just a matter of a few months but of many decades. Similarly, if the intellectual ability of one is far below that of the other, it can lead to an unnatural married life. If the wife is the intellectual giant, then woe betide her husband, for he will be nothing more than a pawn in her hand! If the husband is the one far superior intellectually, then the wife will be reduced almost to a non-entity. In such a case, she will be little more than a servant in the home. I am not saying that there are no exceptions to this rule, neither am I suggesting that the intellectual ability of both should be exactly on a par. But I do say that it is unlikely, if you are a doctor of philosophy, that God will lead you to marry an illiterate village-girl, however spiritual she may be. The wife is to be a helper suited to her husband - and so she must in some degree at least be able to cooperate with her husband in his life and work. A.S. Triton, in his book, `Whose World?, relates an incident which illustrates this aptly. He says, The author well remembers the distress of a highly cultured man who, when converted in his twenties, had thought that the only thing that mattered was that he married a Christian. He had asked an almost illiterate girl to marry him and she had been unable to resist such a charming Christian man. They found after a while, however, that tensions and friction developed between them. She never read anything, he devoured books. He was academic and analytical, she spontaneous and intuitive. They loved one another and were both genuine Christians, but what they had in common as human beings was slight. The result was a long period of strain and difficulty which would have shattered many marriages between non-Christians. What most baffled the man at the height of their problem was that prayer did not seem to do any good. But prayer is not intended to be a method of avoiding all our difficulties, particularly those we have created ourselves. He was finally helped by an experienced minister who told him that the problems were entirely his own fault and that he must set himself a long-term programme to bridge the human gaps between them. This needed much prayer and spiritual grace on both sides, but it needed action also on the level of the natural gifts and abilities and potentialities that each possessed. She learned to read and enjoy books, he learned to enter into her interests. There are unfortunately quite a few Christian marriages that have run into difficulties in this way, basically because they had not understood (or stopped to think) what marriage is for, in Gods plan. From the above incident it should be obvious that to ignore compatibility on the intellectual level is to invite unnecessary hardship and suffering for both partners. It is no sign of spirituality to ignore this factor, because Gods purpose is that a partner should be a true companion. A wise question that a man could perhaps ask himself about the girl he is considering is, Is she the kind of person whom I would want as the mother of my children and with whom I could pray and discuss and work out lifes problems? Coming now to the realm of emotions. There must be some degree of similarity even here, for happy co-existence and fellowship in marriage. For example, it is unlikely that a staid and solemn young man will be able to put up with an emotionally volatile girl. Both may be equally spiritual, but their differences in temperament could cause many problems if they were to get married. By this I do not mean that the emotionally volatile should marry only those of like temperament - their life would then be very unreal. And if the grave and solemn married only those equally grave and solemn, their home would be like a graveyard! Extreme differences in temperament however, should be given consideration. Certainly, I would suggest that you look for a sense of humour in the person you are considering. He does not have to be a comedian (it is better if he isnt), but he must be able to laugh at himself. A sense of humour is of vital importance in married life for at least two reasons. First, it acts as a safety-valve. It helps to prevent angry arguments. Second, it adds spice to life. Marriage can be extremely boring with one who can neither crack not stand a joke! The third area of the soul is the will. You should not look for a girl who considers it her duty to say Yes to everything you say - for then she will be no better than a robot. No doubt it is dangerous for a man to marry a woman with a more dominant personality than his own. On the other hand, a woman who has strong convictions can be a great asset to her husband. The girl you consider must certainly be willing to submit to you, but not to the point of being a mere Yes-woman. Many men have become great through the faithful and honest criticisms of their wives. Walter Trobisch in `I Loved A Young Man, tells of one of his friends who wrote thus about what he expected from his future wife: 1. She must challenge me to the highest, through absolutely honest criticism of me. 2. When she is disappointed in me, she must never withdraw her confidence. 3. Untiringly she must help me to overcome my weak sides. 4. She must never pretend, but must tell me honestly when I have hurt her. But that can only be possible where the other partner has a will of her own which she is prepared to exercise. What a man needs is not a slave but an equal partner.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 16:37:12 +0000
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