Steve I am going to hand copy those words I said about last night here - hope that it makes sense - I might add to them now as well because other thoughts are in my mind to: Steve I know I should not be going into ny problems but I think it will expkain a lot. This is going to be hard to say because we are greiving for you so it does not feel right saying it. But I have never really coped with life and whereas you have got on and done things despite the difficulties I just avoided things. I have always been a complete basket case. I have always been nearly paralysed with uncertainty and fear - even now I would have to pluck up courage to go into a cafe as I could look awkward and make a fool of myself like it is an Olympic event. Do you remember how I used to be when I tried to use the phone - I was like porky pig - I would stammer and panic - well that is my life all over really - in later years I have managed to fly to and from Lithuania a few times but that is an easy journey when done the once. I tend to in most things regarding anything that will take me out of my comfort space or if I percieve to be something I can make a fool of myself at to over think things and end up not doing them. I have always lived life pretty much in a panic - some things I have got the hang of now like travelling by train but I always have been and still am to some extent crippled by my fears and uncertainties. It is one of the major reasons why I have got nowhere in life. So you see I have always struggled to but not to the extent or way as you. Because I have been so unhappy I have retreated into myself and I dont see friends much. I rarely see Jason but he knows I hope that I value him as a friend. Steve the same goes for you I love you so dearly but because I have always struggled I just get lost in myself. I also have little or no self esteem so when I am hurt which it is easy to do it bothers and hurts me more than it should. I also tend to feel put upon in life - maybe its just my perception but the anger grows and gets trapped to fester within me because I feel so helpless I have had so much love to give you are truly the one person I have loved the most in my life but I am also deeply flawed and broken So my dear sweet big brother I never really had it together to lose it. I go through life worrying about so many silly things it makes life difficult and exhausting - so please believe me that I love you and we lost out seeing each other to my fundamental design flaws. Some other things have come to my mind since writing this - I have been trying to make sense of why we had so little contact for so long. I remember that I was thinking before you went away at the end of Januay about you and me - I am sorry to say that I remember thinking oh well he has a family now and that they are his focus of affection now. And I guess I was hurt. What a stupid thing to think, now after the shock of losing you and talking to others and the memories of when you especially were at Russell Road - it is so so obvious that you had so much love to give. I guess I adjusted to you not being around rather than try harder to reach out to you - how can I ever forgive myself for that??? So much time wasted on things that came to nothing and being angry at things I could not change. I might have put you in a drawer in my mind to a degree whilst trying to look for happiness - I thought I had found a flicker of hope in Maria and Daniel - but why have been so distracted by them and other things from the family member that I love the most? I have had doubts about my relationship with Maria and it looks like it might be over now. I always thought that the thought of never seeing Daniel again would be to much to bear - but though I have seen so much more of them in the last few years and so little of you and they have been my focus - I feel hardly bothered - all that matters is that I can never see my big brother again, I wish we had not lost all that time and that I am sorry that I hurt you. Please believe me - I love you - I just took my eye off the ball of what really matters to me for a while and I could not keep up with life and time went by so fast. If I had known you were suffering that would have been enough to stir me and to act sooner. There is no greater heartbreak than losing you. I miss you, your family and the lost years that we can never get back.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 06:51:08 +0000
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