Still trying to take the entirety of yesterday in. A full day at Dartmouth with test,and stress,and worry, and listening to all the different what-ifs and risks and things that I might have to face. Then driving home with the beauty of knowing things are getting better already, stopping to have a sandwich with my darling at a little diner in Vermont in a town where four babies have come into the world under my guidance. Coming home and taking a two hour nap to regroup. Taking a ride to the local grocery store to get a few items and chatting with the man I love and who I have love since I was 17 years old. Thinking about what its like for him as I face this next little health crisis and wondering how his stress levels are. Thinking about how hard he worked while we raised for little boys... just so I could stay home and teach them and guide them. I actually felt myself looking forward to the years of watching him get older and being able to reflect on the experiences over the years that bound us closer to each other and helped each of us to grow. And then getting called out to a birth and having to drive in the absolute worst rainstorm I have ever driven in. I have driven in a lot of weather, and last night was definitely the worst rain storm ever with thunder and lightening, trees and water across the road kind of driving. So bad that it took me twice as long to get to the mamas house. I even ran over a bull frog to avoid a branch across the road and spoke out loud as I told him I was sorry. Then, realizing none of my assistants were close enough to get to me in time for how rapidly the baby was coming...so making the decision to attend the birth alone. It has not happened that way very often for me, but it happens to every Midwife at least once, and I cant say that its ever easy. My assistants spoil me and especially since Ive been sick they spoil me rotten. I never have to ask for anything they are all so good theyve gotten to the point where its in my hand before my mouth can speak of what I want or need. The storm intensified with the mothers birth song, and at times the lightning was so bright outside looked like daytime for even just a blink. My clothes were damp from bringing my bags in even though I had my umbrella. Sideways rain goes around and umbrella. The dampness was also from sweating so profusely from the adrenaline and from my own nerves as I played out former crisises where my assistants were crucial to my skills and ability and worked out a plan for coping on my own. I even heard my own voice say as Ive said so many times before babies that come fast are not being hindered in anyway, and almost always theyre the ones that are going to come and be totally fine regardless of who is present. and this one was definitely coming fast and intensely right along with the intensity of the storm outside. Driving home a few hours later, the weather wasnt as bad, but the flood came from my eyes as I cried in gratitude and in gratefulness for what my life has been. Not many people can say they have done or seen or experienced the things that I have. Some are incredible privileges and some are completely devastating. But all of them come together to be my life. Despite the difficult experiences and the illness Ive had to get myself through, I can say I have lived, I have loved, I have seen, and experienced, some of the most amazing things. After my third shower of the day, yes, one before heading to Dartmouth, one before getting into bed, and then one after the birth, I crawled into bed next to my beloved... two dogs on the floor, and the kitty on my pillow by my head, and wept silently...as I felt the richness and the privilege of my life. One day I will have to say I WAS a midwife...but tonight I AM a Midwife and I am grateful for the privilege and the honor to serve in birth.
Posted on: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 14:03:33 +0000
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